3 months post-op

Cliche though it may well be, I'd feel remiss if I didn't note what a long strange trip this has been. It's been such a bizarre year (summer in particular) in terms of appreciating the passage of time - I truly can't believe a quarter of the year has passed since my PAO. Yipes! And what did I do with that time, exactly? Well, I watched The Sopranos in its entirety and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia in its entirety twice (it bears repeating). I didn't read one book from the time I was admitted til I returned home to Montpelier - the longest I've gone in probably my whole life without something going. I guess I learned the joys of passivity - certainly got my fill of THAT this summer!

Last night I made my triumphant return to yoga and actually fared pretty well, with the exception of some twists and bendy business that I just couldn't physically accomplish without irritating my screws something fierce. Really, though, what's sorest today is my poor beleaguered shoulders, beaten down by so much crutching and so little rest. The whole left side of my upper body (including my loud cracking jaw) is a bit unhappy today, but I'm certain tonight's adjustment and tomorrow's massage (AHHH!) will sort that out right quick. But, despite a minor panic at the start of class when I thought "Am I totally nuts?!", yoga helped me recenter in a way I haven't been able to for too long now, and I think has sorted my hip enough that (despite increased tenderness) my gait feels closer to normal now than it has... well, really since before I started experiencing dysplasia symptoms back in the summer of '07!

So, yes, PAO was definitely a smart choice for me and, though it really hadn't bothered me much at all before taking so much abuse this summer, old righty's surely going to go under the knife within a year. It's actually a little scary how quickly my brain switched to scheming for that surgery once I got off crutches for good. Even while limping around all screwed up (literally, I mean) my master planning instinct is kicking in full force. Thankfully I'll see Dr. Crose this afternoon and get some PT prescribed so I can put some closure to my LPAO before I get TOO far ahead of myself!

Sadsack surprise

I can't tell you how many times at school this week I've said "What was I just doing??" Seems to be the way of things these days. I was so scattered going into my adjustment Tuesday that Dr. Hoo seemed genuinely horrified at my condition and had me do some centering breathing exercises to try to pull me back together. They involved breathing with my hands on my stomach, my diaphragm and my throat and it was pretty powerful stuff, except when she asked me which felt most "open and inviting" - at moments like these I always feel like I'm at the optometrist, "Clearer with Number 1... *click* or Number 2... again 2... *click* or 1?" And I wonder "Are you trying to trick me??"

In any event, the adjustment was quite nice, followed by a really relaxing (no psoas poking this time!) massage, my last with Jennifer before surgery. To celebrate, instead of the delicious truffle she usually leaves you when she's done, she gave me perhaps the world's most marvelous chocolate bar - how I've managed to remain ignorant of these things even with my deep-seated caramel obsession is beyond me!

Oh yes and today is my second day without any ibuprofen, which I've been popping by the massive 600mg pill for many many months now. Had to go off it pre-op and have now successfully determined that it actually does nothing for me, save for probably effing up my kidneys for life. Even after a very hip-rigorous yoga class last night I'm still feeling just about the same without the meds as I ever did taking them.

And man was it some yoga class! Thankfully over time I think my prodigious sweating has at least been somewhat curtailed, but not my amazement at how far I'm actually able to push myself. Last night's theme was about finding your edge and pushing beyond it, and when Anj said "Feel your edge" I could probably feel it better than anyone else in the room, since it felt like the edge of a knife in my thigh. Still and all, no lasting ill effects from going that one step (or twist, as the case may be) further, even though I've begun really embracing the idea of running my leg into the ground (like my dear Subaru!) before surgery. Cow Face Pose (you may remember when I said Big Toe Pose was the worst asana name ever but I was clearly wrong!) certainly does the trick in that regard!

On the "I'm such a bad Buddhist" tip, it was nearly impossible for me to shut my dang brain up during the introspective/centering bits last night, but when I finally did I had an interesting realization: I'm sad! It's surprised even me how not-panicked I am, but I couldn't quite put a finger on what I was feeling until last night. Not that I could say why exactly, but there it is! Oh the vagaries of the human heart!

Fitter, Happier, More Productive

Well, the first two, at least. :) I realized the other day that now, 2 weeks (and a day!) away from surgery, I'm feeling better than I ever have. Ferreal! My thinking has really shifted, from being defined by dysplasia (and the dire consequences thereof) to surgery being merely a brief interruption in what is otherwise an active happy life. If anything, aside from the anxiety of anticipation, what I'm mostly feeling is sadness, as I mourn the impending loss of mobility. But I'm not scared - I'm ready!

Friday's medical extravaganza was wholly successful - as it turned out my time at Boston Childrens (Waltham) went so long I would have missed my blood donation at BI anyhow. I also learned that I have "the strangest veins" ever seen by the kindly radiology nurse who spent half an hour trying to inject me with contrast. First try (left forearm) failed entirely, followed by a collapsed vein (right forearm) on second go, though she did get about 5ccs in before it went, finally getting the rest in through my right wrist, which gave a good sting. I decided to watch the last time around, since I can always use the help getting used to such things. The butterfly needles they use are actually pretty cool, and really helped the nurse work on the angle best suited for injection - apparently my veins are both in a weird place and weirdly angled, such that she was really struggling for awhile there. It all went in just fine through the wrist, though, and they gave me a handy hotpack for the collapsed vein, which really helped reduce the stinging and stiffness.

MRI wasn't nearly as scary as my first, and I had my wits about me enough to ask for a copy for myself, which I'm really looking forward to. They then sent me for x-rays (one less thing to do on Thursday!) because my initial ones (which thankfully still garnered me a speedy diagnosis) weren't the right kind. This time around they took all but one while I was standing, some with my foot at a not very comfortable angle. I had to hook my toes under the edge of the table for the lying down one, also something I would expressly avoid in my general life. Still and all, looking forward to getting copies of those as well, for one so I can finally calculate the actual degree of my dysplasia and for two... well, because I think they're cool. :)

Sunday's yoga class was especially marvelous, and I learned to love reclining big toe pose (perhaps the worst pose name yet) and the benefits it provides. Had a totally weird sensory experience where, when I lowered the leg I'd started with it felt like it hit the floor about 6 inches below my other leg. Sort of like the opposite of when you stand in a doorway pressing your hands against it and when you walk out your arms lift up, you know? Also got into my shoulders really well with some link-your-fingers-behind-your-back business, all of which I was feeling (in the best possible way) yesterday when I played A FULL 18 HOLES OF DISC GOLF! Man, it was AWESOME! Such a gorgeous day and, rustiness aside, so wonderful to get out and about. I was definitely tired by the time we made it home, but not in a lot of pain, nor am I today. Fantastico!

It's a good thing I'm such a genius...

...since otherwise I'd have blithely contaminated my autologous blood donation with MRI contrast dye. Whoops! I was talking to my dad about it the other day and said "Huh - I wonder if I can donate blood after an MRI?" Turns out no, no I can't! (Add to the bulging "Glad I Asked" file.) So now I'm driving down to Waltham tomorrow for the sole purpose of an MRI that I could have just as easily had within a 10 mile radius of my home. Best laid plans! Hopefully, though, having one less blood donation (I'm still scheduled for one after my pre-op next Thursday) won't pose too much of a problem - if need be, I can just get some anonymous blood when the time comes.

Today, however, the positive far outweighs the irritating, as last night I not only accomplished tree pose while standing on my left leg but I also DID A HEADSTAND! Ehm... except my headstand also involved assistance from Anjali and a wall (not pictured). :) But still, pretty incredible! The theme of last night's class was celebration, and we had a fine time celebrating each other's small accomplishments, including doing this crazy line of tree poses with the person next to you supporting your extended foot. And not one person toppled to the ground! It was splendid.

Yoga is medicine.

Jennifer said that yesterday when we were talking before (and during) my massage - she's noticed some real progress in my psoas and my ability to release them with her assistance. I notice that it doesn't hurt like a BASTARD when she touches them! I told her about my new persistent front-of-the-thigh pain and she immediately pinpointed it as the rectus femoris muscle (can't tell you how much I love these wiki illustrations). Turns out my work with Dr. Hoo has so loosened up my sacral region that the increased motion of my pelvis (*insert Beavis & Butthead snickers here*) has caused ol' rectus femoris to brace, just like my gluts were doing when my lower back first started loosening up. Jennifer completely eliminated the pain, though, at least through today, and when working on my shoulders had to ask which one had been bothering me - whereas 2 weeks ago the left shoulderblade was noticeably further away from the midline.

This change I definitely credit to the inclusion of yoga in my healing trifecta - we did camel pose (especially like the arrows and butt squiggle in this illustration) Sunday and a bunch of other arm things that I was surely feeling come Monday morning. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad/frustrated that I have to give it all up for probably 2 months at least, but heartened that I've gotten this far even with my hip issues. Just imagine what I'll be able to do post-op! Bad ass.

Oh yeah and guess what?! Blue Cross is actually paying for my PAO! Woot! Got the official letter yesterday, just in time for my MRI and first autologous blood donation on Friday. I'm not too anxious about all that - next Thursday is the real big push, pre-op, blood donation, x-rays, PT, Dr. Kim - it's going to be a long day, made longer by the fact that I can't head down til that morning, and my first appointment's at 7:45am! Best laid plans!

Monday night I was panicking something fierce (realizing that I don't stress out, I stress in, if that makes sense to anyone besides me) but yesterday's adjustment and massage combo (and the introspection it allows) set my mind right again. Back to the yoga studio this evening, which should calm me back down to baseline. All in all, I'm feeling pretty well blessed today. :)

Gentle But Constant Marissa

Dr. Hoo said that about my breathing during my adjustment last week - pretty sure there's supposed to be a comma in there, too, but at the time it struck me as such a funny phrase, especially for readers who know me personally! I was on break all last week, and managed another Restorative Yoga class, an adjustment, a massage, my last private yoga session AND a spa day (thanks again Beverly!), as well as some general rest and relaxation. And listening to a LOT of live Avett Brothers. :)

Dar Williams once said at a show, talking about her meditation practice and her frustrations at not being able to let go of her thoughts, that she thought "I'm a bad Buddhist" so many times that it became, in effect, her meditation mantra. I think of that story often these days, as my overactive mind does its best to analyze and comment upon my every effort to shut it the heck up. I had a bit of a breakthrough, though, at Restorative last Sunday, where during my breathing out of stale air and breathing in of new lifeforce (and whatnot) this image suddenly popped into my head of an old house by the sea just open for the summer. Breathing out blows the dried leaves out through the open doors; breathing in draws in the breeze off the ocean and, somehow, breathes sunlight into the room. Doesn't make "rational" "sense", I know, but it works!

Of course, I'd be lying if I said I was able to bring this precision focus to my general yoga practice, because I'm still quite the newb in that regard. Last night I went to my first class with people other than Anjali, and it was a pretty grand success! Definitely a little hairy in the middle (seriously, chair pose, are you trying to kill me?!) and I was dripping sweat, but by the end (approximately 3 dozen Downward Dogs later) I was feeling great. And, though I ended all three of my private sessions with varying levels of muscle spasms in my thighs and a day or two of soreness thereafter, I was twitch-free last night and, some tightness in the backs of my legs aside, I'm right as rain today - woohoo! And did I mention I've even been doing PIGEON POSE?!? Ahahahaha (<--maniacal laughter) TAKE THAT HIPS!

I'm flointing!

Woohoo! Friday I had my first private session with Anjali at Yoga Mountain and it was quite excellent! Definitely a little awkward at first (especially once she turned off the music so she could hear my breathing!) but really something once I got focused on my body. I was most surprised at how much I could actually do - really just needed a couple of blankets and blocks to help modify some poses, and decided to do without altogether the balancing pose requiring me to stand on my left leg. Yeah, not gonna happen!

Wait, that was a lie - what was MOST surprising is that my arms are falling out of their sockets! Not far in Anjali said "Now let me just adjust your arms for you" and literally picked up my upper arm and placed it back into the socket. I didn't know you could do that! There were a few times she did the same with my legs, rotating the calves in and the thighs out because my knees were knocking in in a weird way - no doubt a result of the slight inversion of my left foot that Jennifer noticed, too, when she initially evaluated me. All of these adjustments felt just dandy at the time, and definitely altered my alignment for the better, but MAN did I feel them the next day!

Overall, though, Anjali said my alignment is pretty good - I just need to get more comfortable with the poses and to that end will be doing 2 more sessions just with her before joining her regular Level 1 Anusara class. I'm really looking forward to it - still kind of stunned by what I was able to do and how relaxed I felt immediately afterward (next day pains aside!). Seems like a perfect addition to my routine, so much so that I really wish I'd had the funds for it months ago!

Oh yeah, and flointing! At one point Anjali said "...and just floint your foot and stretch to the left" and I'm going "uh huh, uh huh, stretch to the left... wait. What?!" Apparently yoga instructors are prone to making up words, and this is Anjali's conflation of "flex" and "point". I must say I am an excellent flointer. :) Unfortunately I'm not able to schedule another session til next week, but with a massage tomorrow (YAY!) and an adjustment Thursday, I think I'll muddle through somehow!

Finally heard back Saturday from Erin, Dr. Kim's trusty PA (who just had knee surgery herself), about a couple of questions I had. Turns out all body jewelry is outlawed during surgery, which means both my tongue stud and my rook ring will have to be out for at least a few hours (still waiting to hear how soon I can put them back in) while I'm in the OR. This is slightly complicating because 1)there's a good chance that even after more than a decade, my tongue will heal in that short period of time and 2)I can't take my rook piercing out! I'll need to find a piercer to do it for me, and I have no idea how long that one can be out before it starts to close up. Curses! Of course my mom is triumphant (both she and my dad have said they will NOT be helping me put jewelry back in post-op) but I'm feeling torn at best. Would I have taken either piercing out anytime soon without surgery? No way. But would I go through another round of piercing to have them back? I don't think so. Arrrrr talk about unintended consequences! How frustrating.

"Let the back of your skull soften... melting... like butter... onto the earth..."

Yeah Restorative Yoga! I spent 2 hours last night lying about on the floor like a mindfully-breathing lump, sneaking occasional glimpses out from behind my eye pillow to make sure I wasn't relaxing wrong. It was pretty sweet! I'm actually surprised by how little I was restricted in what I could do, though I determined that the pain I feel when sitting cross-legged is BAD really-you-shouldn't-do-this pain and not GOOD oh-stretch-out-that-unused-muscle pain. This is an important distinction!

But nothing else we did was too terrible, with the possible exception of the modified child's pose, which was a little touchy. I even accomplished the legs-up-the-wall pose (probably not its technical name), which felt quite nice on the old hips - apparently it gets one's lymph flowing differently with great results. Not quite sure why it never occurred to me before that "lymph" was actually something in my body... also not sure what I thought the lymph nodes did, but, hey, you learn something new every day!

Saturday I wore flip flops to the store because I just couldn't deal with socks. Oh flip flops how I have missed thee! And how I WILL miss thee in a couple of months when some well-meaning medical type tells me it's suicide to wear them while on crutches. It's a little scary how much of my time is spent wondering what shoes I'll be able to wear this summer, but is there such a thing as a comfortable supportive slip-on? That's not a Croc or some kind of Croc-type derivative? I just don't think I can swing plastic shoes. Fiddlesticks!