The presence of absence

Well, it's a Wednesday, which means I'm X weeks post-LPAO, though at this point I've happily lost track. I'm also nearly 4 weeks post-crutches and am happy to say the ball of my right hand has finally healed to the point that you can barely tell it'd been beaten up for months by the otherwise-ergonomic grips of my Millennial Crutches - crutches that have been living in the back of my trusty Subaru since the day of Adam & Sue's wedding, such that I literally can see them in my rearview mirror. mwah ha ha ha ha!

I've been back at yoga regularly and taking Omega 3s, both of which seem to be increasing the sensation in my op leg daily. Also managed to pick up a $10 stationary bike at the fabulous annual Bethany Church sale (which a wonderful man carried to my house for me!), though I haven't done much with it after the initial foray that left me sore. Hopefully a mere seat adjustment will address that, but I want to talk to Susan, the PT I've been missing so dearly lo these many weeks, before getting back on again. And YES I see her tomorrow! No thanks to Boston Childrens, though, as it was Dr. Crose who ended up writing the scrip. Technically I'm still supposed to be on crutches, since the order for my follow-up x-rays never arrived. Great system they've got there.

But aside from still struggling a bit with going up stairs and putting on underwear (that pesky leg-lifty motion!), I'm feeling fairly fantastic. Except when I'm tired my limp is pretty much completely gone and it is with great self-satisfaction that I pass people on the sidewalk. I'm fast again!! There are so many moments when my brain anticipates pain and is pleasantly surprised when there's none - after 2 years of decreased mobility this should come as no shock, but I still get a lovely frisson every time it happens. And I can't tell you HOW many times a day I think "I am SO happy I'm not on crutches!" Last week I played my first post-op (half) round of disc golf, which really drove both points home. The last time I'd gone was a week or so before surgery and by the time we got to the first bench I was already struggling and couldn't wait to sit down. This time we got there and I was fine, just FINE thankyouverymuch! Granted I'm a little slow on the up-and-down hilly bits, but that's probably 85% paranoia and only 15% actual physical limitation. Overall I'm definitely not back to 100% (not that I even remember what 100% feels like, really) but I'm getting there, and actually excited to see what Susan has to say tomorrow (slash a microscopic bit concerned she's going to tell me I've effed something up in my enthusiastic rush towards bipedalism, but only a bit!). We shall soon see!

3 months post-op

Cliche though it may well be, I'd feel remiss if I didn't note what a long strange trip this has been. It's been such a bizarre year (summer in particular) in terms of appreciating the passage of time - I truly can't believe a quarter of the year has passed since my PAO. Yipes! And what did I do with that time, exactly? Well, I watched The Sopranos in its entirety and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia in its entirety twice (it bears repeating). I didn't read one book from the time I was admitted til I returned home to Montpelier - the longest I've gone in probably my whole life without something going. I guess I learned the joys of passivity - certainly got my fill of THAT this summer!

Last night I made my triumphant return to yoga and actually fared pretty well, with the exception of some twists and bendy business that I just couldn't physically accomplish without irritating my screws something fierce. Really, though, what's sorest today is my poor beleaguered shoulders, beaten down by so much crutching and so little rest. The whole left side of my upper body (including my loud cracking jaw) is a bit unhappy today, but I'm certain tonight's adjustment and tomorrow's massage (AHHH!) will sort that out right quick. But, despite a minor panic at the start of class when I thought "Am I totally nuts?!", yoga helped me recenter in a way I haven't been able to for too long now, and I think has sorted my hip enough that (despite increased tenderness) my gait feels closer to normal now than it has... well, really since before I started experiencing dysplasia symptoms back in the summer of '07!

So, yes, PAO was definitely a smart choice for me and, though it really hadn't bothered me much at all before taking so much abuse this summer, old righty's surely going to go under the knife within a year. It's actually a little scary how quickly my brain switched to scheming for that surgery once I got off crutches for good. Even while limping around all screwed up (literally, I mean) my master planning instinct is kicking in full force. Thankfully I'll see Dr. Crose this afternoon and get some PT prescribed so I can put some closure to my LPAO before I get TOO far ahead of myself!

13 weeks post-PAO, 5 days post-crutches, 5 hours pre-yoga!

Well, after reading about one of my hip sisters going out on ice skates at a mere 8 weeks post-op, I decided to toss off my crutches for good on Saturday, x-rays be damned! I'd been doing a good bit of short-distance walking leading up to it, so it wasn't too terrifying, though I couldn't walk without a limp if I tried. The pain in my hip is minimal - more just soreness and exhaustion - but my foot was KEEELing me for a couple of days and now the pain has migrated up to my ankle, all a result, no doubt, of my left leg being completely realigned. I also realized my foot looks kind of strange to me from this new perspective (actually flat on the floor instead of torqued out to the left), which I hadn't really considered when I wasn't putting weight on it.

Sunday was Adam & Sue's wedding and I'm confident in saying it was the most perfect day ever, a huge part of what was surely my best weekend of 2009 so far. And I danced! Oh how I danced, and went up and down stairs, and walked around like a normal person! So normal, in fact, that at one point Adam tried to do the "let's bump hips" dance on my left side and I had to be like "Dude, you're hitting my screws!" :D At this point the screws are probably the sorest part, kind of itchy actually as the feeling comes back. With the muscles it's more that they just won't do what they're supposed to, but they're not complaining much about what they can do. All in all, I've been in significantly less pain the past few weeks than I was for nearly 2 years pre-PAO, so I'm not complaining! The weirdest is things I do (sitting flat on the floor with my leg out, sitting in the car with my leg bent) that DON'T hurt - things that hurt so consistently before surgery that I'd conditioned myself not to do them. Thankfully I think all my crutch conditioning has reset my brain in that regard, so I do those things without thinking. Of course, I still do weird crutchy things without thinking - like flinging the door wide open to let myself (and my invisible crutches) through and trying to keep my hands empty at all times. How liberating to carry one's own beverage again!

Meanwhile my x-ray order still hasn't shown (shocking, I know) but thankfully I have an appointment with Dr. Crose, my GP, tomorrow morning so I can have her finally prescribe the PT I've been jonesing for for months now. Oooh and tonight I'm going back to yoga! Probably a bit crazy, but I'll be taking it easy, for sure - very much looking forward to stretching out some of these well-worn kinks, though - I suspect my shoulders will be quite pleased with me! Tomorrow back to Dr. Hoo and Friday MASSAGE so life is pretty, pretty good!

*twiddles thumbs*

Well, 12 weeks post-op and all progress made towards not biting my nails has gone out the window. I am STILL on crutches! After waiting 2 weeks for a response to my email to Erin about my second round of x-rays (which need to be done before they start "weaning" me off crutches), I waited another 2 weeks for the x-ray order to arrive in my mailbox and it never did. Thankfully trusty Shani in Dr. Kim's office tracked Erin down and (allegedly) put the order in the mail to me Monday. Which implies to me that the order was never sent in the first place, but who am I to speculate??

Meanwhile, I eye with growing envious rage the blogs of folks who were back on two feet at 10 weeks - how could I have gone from 48 hours ahead of schedule in the hospital to two weeks BEHIND once I left? After having been so prepared and informed going into my LPAO, I've felt completely forgotten as soon as I left Beth Israel. It's not a good feeling.

I saw Dr. Hoo last night for the first time in many weeks and realized how disconnected I've been from the recovery process (and the poor bedraggled Hipnotic!) lo these many weeks - in no small part, I think, because of how powerless I've felt just waiting and waiting and waiting. Thankfully I've been able to hit the therapy pool at least once a week since I left my folks' house, which has been just dandy. Otherwise I would be doing NO PT, since Dr. Kim doesn't prescribe it until after these accursed x-rays are done, which makes absolutely no sense to me.

Regardless, at 10 weeks I started walking short distances without my crutches, just around the house and the bookstore, in preparation for Adam & Sue's wedding this weekend. When they first booked it I jokingly said I might still be on crutches at that point and here I am, still in limbo and unsure of whether I'm really screwing myself up (no pun intended involving my new internal titanium accessories) attempting time on two legs. But my patience reserve was pretty low once I passed the 10-week mark, and at this point I'm running on fumes. Keeping fingers crossed that I'll magically come home today to an x-ray order in my mailbox (because really it doesn't take that long for things to get here from Boston!) and can get it over with tomorrow after getting my post-op bloodwork done with Dr. Crose. Oh, best laid plans!

Sunday Sun

It's funny how I've gone from checking hipwomen a dozen times a day and updating this business near-daily (what did I even have to say??) to dropping off the face of the internet post-op. I guess because now I'm not so concerned with what to expect and, to be frank, recovery is kind of boring. Being back in the pool has been the most exciting part - remembering (my muscles, not my mind) how to walk is a definite eye-opener. I've certainly never tried so hard to act natural before! Last week I was right on the verge of asking one of the PTs how to turn around, a skill I seem to have lost after 8 weeks on crutches. I just could NOT do it normally - I found myself doing the crutchy hop-pivot and thinking "Now that can't be right!" But that muscle memory is something else, let me tell you - all of a sudden last week I realized I was turning like a normal person again. Everything I've started doing normally again has thus far happened like that - I do it unconsciously and then a second later go "Whoa! I just did that!" Same with lifting my leg up to the edge of the tub to dry it, which I did for the first time last week. I'm not too concerned about doing something bad that way, since if the soreness doesn't stop me the physical inability to bend or twist or exert myself that way certainly will. I just can't do it - period. But that list grows shorter by the day and I'm out and about (slowly but surely) more and more. Most pleasing is the steady return of feeling in my hip and thigh, which has been the most surprisingly slow development. Being in the pool is definitely helping in that regard - I never thought I'd be so happy to get that zippy ZING! shooting out of my scar.

And the scar... now I finally understand why the hipwomen talk about not being able to wear jeans post-op. MAN that thing is sensitive! I don't have to worry much about overexerting myself in the pool because the pressure of my suit on the incision gets unbearable far faster than any muscle fatigue. Not really sure if there's any solution to that save for that old healer time, which til now has been mostly on my side. My extended hiatus from the world of work came to an end this weekend, and being back in the store has been great thus far. Going back to school in a few weeks, however... I am SO hoping I'm not still on crutches for THAT business! And Adam & Sue's reception, which is on a boat. :/

At this point I'd say the biggest pain I have is the pain in my ass of trying to communicate with the folks at Boston Childrens - much as I love them and the work they do! I left the hospital feeling like I knew what to expect but as time goes by I'm less and less sure of what I'm supposed to be doing. My second round of post-op x-rays (which I'm trying to do in Vermont instead of driving 6 hours roundtrip for 10 minutes of appointments) still hasn't been scheduled and I have no idea how soon after that I might hope to be off crutches. I haven't seen a PT since I was in the hospital, which just seems wrong. Thankfully I already had my pool routine (which I've curtailed significantly, limiting myself to stretching & walking in the shallow and jogging & skiing in the deep) so I'm not feeling like a total lump, but still. Oh what a lesson in patience hip dysplasia has been!

6 weeks post-op tomorrow and I am headed HOME!

Much as I love my parents and their relatively handicapped-accessible digs, it's high time I return to my own sweet sweet Montpelier home. And so I am on this drizzly day, though they're pretty much convinced I'm insane to do so. "Brave soul," my dad said, "at least here you know mama and I are here to help if you need it," conveniently forgetting that they just returned from 2 solid weeks on vacation, during which time I was left completely to my own devices. So I'm not too terrified, though a bit about dealing with having a car (and no parking spot) and stairs, of course, and being able to feed myself in a kitchen where the refrigerator is nowhere near the counter. (Something I never would have thought of at all were it not for the crutches in my life!)

Last Friday I had my one month post-op appointment with Dr. Kim and finally got to see his handiwork.



(This pic I took with my phone when left alone in the office - if the copies of the x-rays I ordered for myself are significantly more impressive, I'll be sure to post them.)

Everything seems to be healing nicely - my incision is down from a gory bumpy gash to a semi-lumpy vibrant purple line and I've been cleared to put 60 lbs. of weight on my op leg. I can't say enough about my fancy Millennial In-Motion Pros (Yao Ming's crutch of choice, I've just learned - woohoo!), which have kept me very comfortable, not to mention impressed even medical professionals, lo these many weeks. I haven't flung myself down the stairs ONCE (knock wood)!

I've been off pain meds for awhile now and am surprised to find that, for probably the past 2-3 weeks, I've been in less discomfort now than I was for nearly 2 years before surgery. It's pretty mindblowing. Really the only hurdle I need to clear now is strengthening my thigh muscles, which are still fairly weak and, because of continued immobility, haven't moved much past the nerve sensation level I had when I first got out of the hospital. I had a wonderful massage last week, though, and when Jennifer was working (gently!) on the back of my op leg I started to get a bit of pins and needles in areas that've been numb for over a month, so I'm certain with time the sensation will return fully. Thankfully my return to Montpelier also allows a return to the therapy pool where, amazingly, I CAN WALK! Oooh I'm so looking forward to it!!

And... what else? I went to my first show (the incomparable King Sunny Ade & His African Beats) on crutches and THAT was frustrating, but I'm still so glad I went. In a couple weeks I head down to Northampton to see THE AVETT BROTHERS (and probably cry from joy) and that one I'm swinging alone, which should be interesting. Generally people are pretty respectful of the crutches, though, with a few notable exceptions... but I suspect those people would be inconsiderate assholes crutches or no. :) All in all I'm definitely feeling good about the decision to go ahead with the PAO and, general inconvenience aside, am so thankful to be coming out on the other side of it all better, stronger, and decidedly less limpy than ever before!

3 weeks post-PAO

You'd think I'd forgotten about this place lately, but really I've just forgotten what day/week/month it is. Seriously, I have no sense of time. But even so I'm aware that 3 weeks ago this afternoon I was waking up in recovery, putting my tongue stud back in, and feeling comfortably numb (if a bit woozy). Hard to believe that the hospital stay that at first moved so slowly from my static position in bed actually lasted a mere 5 days before I was back in Vermont, eating maple creemees with my folks.

Hospital living was so outside my realm of experience that it's only in retrospect that I realize how completely strange it was. At most I had the same nurses for 2 shifts, so it was a revolving door of new faces endlessly taking my vitals, bringing me pills, refilling my water. The first two nights I was lucky enough to have Nadine, who not only appreciated my sense of humor (thankfully unmarred by surgery) but had one of her own, and called me "sweetpea", which is what I call Augustus when he's not chewing cords or running laps while I try to sleep. This is helpful when one's job is to wake up an exhausted person every 2 hours to lay a bag of ice at intervals down both sides of their body and make them say "cold", "cool", or "nothing" as appropriate.

I was also lucky enough to have a room of my own, and the window view to boot (most of what I could see being relatively parkish) and flowers from friends and a teddy bear (Cowbell, as in "I've got a fever [which I did] and the only cure is more") that I quickly became very attached to. I learned to account for lag time in asking for vital equipment like a trapeze or a walker early to allow for the inevitable half-day bureaucratic delay in delivery. This lesson was driven home waiting for the toilet riser to arrive once my catheter came out. I learned not to order the fish (kind of a "duh" moment, in hindsight) but that the veggie burgers were enormous and you won't get ketchup unless you ask for it. Life skills, I tell you what! :)

The epidural was perfect (kudos skilled anesthesiologist whose name I don't remember!) and kept me well insulted from pain for as long as it was supposed to. I hadn't taken into account how difficult sitting up would be with a numb midsection, most of the reason why I nearly pulled my epidural out in all my scootings and squirmings before the trapeze arrived. I learned the power of the boost, when a nurse takes either side of the pad you're laying on and slides you right up to the top of the bed - THAT was awesome. I learned that without it your feet end up resting on the metal bar across the end of the bed, and that that, coupled with the epidural's numbness, will lead to bedsores (which thankfully I was spared) if you're not careful. I learned that having a drain pulled out and having a catheter pulled out are equally bizarre sensations, but the drain actually hurts, whereas the catheter is only uncomfortable. And that you should ask for the commode chair well before committing to catheter removal. I may have mentioned this before - it's a lesson I've learned well! :)

Going to the bathroom (as in physically getting myself in there and sitting down) was by far the most painful aspect (aside from rolling over to change the sheets under me - NOT for the faint of heart!) and complicated by the fact that my equilibrium was totally screwy. I'm glad the bathroom door was about 6 inches from my knees so that when I stood up I just bounced my head off of it instead of toppling to the floor. I can't quite explain the joy of being able to go in there, shut the door and just be ALONE after feeling like I was living in a glorified hallway for days on end. Oh, the simple pleasures!

I can't say enough about the BI staff and the care I received there - I always felt well looked-after and everyone I encountered was very kind. I can't thank my mother enough for staying with me for the duration, even though she commented more than once that she might as well have stayed home for all I "needed" from her. Just having her sitting there reading a book was enough most days, though the burrito she brought me for dinner halfway through my stay made her presence invaluable.

Since I've been home (or at least in my former home), I've been doing dandily - my bandage and steristrips have all been off for about a week now and, though it's considerably more gruesome than I'd anticipated (not to mention long as hell), my incision seems to be healing nicely. The tenderness along it is subsiding, along with the numbness in my upper thigh and the side of my hip, though that's receding slower than I'd thought/hoped it would. Last Friday I was able to sleep on my (right) side for the first time and it was VERY strange - the whole balance of my midsection is completely different (don't make me waste one of my duh's, as Bev would say) but it's comfortable, though rolling back over onto my back is a little difficult. Oooh and last night for the first time I lifted my op leg onto the bed without using my hands! Woohoo! I did it without even thinking and then went "Hey! My leg's on the bed! Sweeeeet."

My parents leave for 2 weeks at our place on PEI tomorrow and in anticipation I've been cooking more and more for myself without too many problems, though I did drop a bucket of raspberry sorbet (sing it like Prince!) on the floor the other day and ended up laughing hysterically as I tried (and failed) to pick it back up again and again with my crutches. I've learned that having my grabber with me (and a chair in the room) is key for safe and effective meal preparation.

And, though my mom is insanely restrictive in her assessment(s) of what I can and cannot do, I've been out on the town three times in the last week (not counting last night's long-awaited trip to the pharmacy) and have fared very well. This weekend I hope to make my triumphant return to civil society with some parade-and-fireworks action at John & Ali's in Hinesburg - we'll see how long I last without having to take a nap. :)

All in all the experience has been FAR less horrendous, painful, and frustrating than I ever thought it would be. Good thing I was consumed with it for 9+ months, right?! In two weeks I return to Childrens in Waltham for my post-op and get to see if the ol' pelvis is healing according to plan. I'm no expert (on anything, really), but I do suspect the results will be favorable!

And now, back to my It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathon, already in progress. I'm gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass, gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE!!