The Hipnotic

I laid on my side!

2010-03-09T14:53:00.002-05:00

Not to get ahead of myself, but that's a pretty huge accomplishment for just 6 days post-op (I believe it took about 3 weeks post-LPAO) and I'm feeling great! I was discharged from BI on Sunday, tying the record for shortest post-op hospital stay - you know how I roll! :D

The trip down to Boston was fairly uneventful, punctuated by dinner at Kitty's, our "traditional" (now that we've done it twice) stop - place is no joke! Got a call from Erin while we were there that I'd need to "pop in" to x-ray in the morning for one last view, which ended up taking just under an hour and a half - thanks in no small part to the fact that Dr. Kim is a Boston Children's dude performing my surgery at Beth Israel, which means nobody knows who the hell I am and what the hell I'm doing half the time. Surgery and recovery were painless (both logistically and thanks to my dear friend epidural), and my whole Boston crew showed up for a visit soon after I'd gotten settled in to my (second) room, bearing flowers AND a laptop, because they (and I'd have to say here Kelly especially) are awesome!

My folks headed home late Thursday morning, after hooking me up with some devilish almond croissant confection from Au Bon Pain, which I'm increasingly glad we don't have around here. Though the incision from hardware removal on the left side was definitely sore my pain overall was decidedly less than the last time 'round, leading them to remove the epidural Friday morning, a day earlier than before. Unfortunately due to some miscommunication my drain and foley didn't get taken out til that evening, so my first outing on crutches (skipped the walker altogether this time) involved two sacs hanging from my stylish johnny. Good thing the PTs are much more impressed by my crutches than my stellar appearance.

Unfortunately all the relative ease and goodness immediately post-op was interrupted Friday night by the most severe stomach discomfort I've ever experienced (including food poisoning!) because of the gas trapped by my immobility. When at 2am I finally felt like I could go to the bathroom I sat up and immediately vomited violently, which would have been bad enough without the pesky just-cut-open-pelvis aspect of my condition. Another round at 4am found me in the bathroom feeling worse than I ever have in my life, but by the morning it had worked itself out well enough that I could function, though without much of an appetite to speak of, probably best for all parties (including my poor roommate) concerned!

Alright I may have to take a snoozer before catching up to the present here at The Hipnotic - such is the life of a post-PAOer!

2 weeks

2010-02-17T10:33:00.003-05:00

Oh barf! Yesterday Julie could tell I was dealing with some big stress and asked me to hold the biggest of the big in my mind while she worked her magic for a bit, then to hold the best possible outcome of that stress in my mind while she worked some more. And, as I should by now have come to expect from my Rushford Family Chiropractic experience, it was a revelation. I started tearing up right there on the table and thought I might lose it, whether from the sadness of the past 2 years or from the anticipated joy of recovery, it's hard to say. That best possible outcome, though, that was clear as a bell - I saw myself jumping from rock to rock in a little stream in the woods as the sun filtered down through the trees on one of those perfect mild Vermont summer days. Of all the things I miss, the ability to run ramshackle through the trees like a wildwoman has been the hardest to give up. Tiptoeing over an icy patch on my way home last night I realized I probably won't lose that caution for some time to come, but how nice it will be to fall without fearing I might snap my leg off at the root!

Thanks to February break next week I should be able to work in at least 3 or 4 more adjustments AND a massage before surgery, which is fantastic. My spine's been going through a lot of changes just in the past few weeks and I'm dreading losing that momentum post-op, though hopefully I won't have to go too long before being able to travel to the office and be adjusted comfortably again. If nothing else, the changes in my shoulders are sure to make for (relatively) easier crutching, and I'm interested to see if the alignment is different enough that my callouses will be different this time around. Yes, that's how narrow my field of interest becomes post-op - "Oooh, look at the palms of my hands!" :)

Break next week will afford me a goodly amount of time to get my apartment in order before it becomes too difficult to clean (physically, I mean!), as well as to deal with some of the anxiety I've been pushing away in favor of dealing with more immediate matters. Julie reminded me of a great breathing technique for getting calm and centered, perfect for when my mind starts going in 4 million directions. I think the contrast between that and 3-4 days spent immobile in the same bed post-op is one of the greatest I've experienced in my life! She also mentioned Silent Unity as a service I might avail myself of, saying "You put in a request and they hold you in prayer", such that in my mind's eye I saw a circle of strangers actually holding me and praying, which as it turns out is not how it actually works. Pretty cool concept, though! I'm reading Compassion in Action right now and there's a wonderful moment Ram Dass describes with a meditation group that has a similar effect on him - it feels like no accident that I picked up the book when I did, and I'm sure Ram Dass would agree!

WANT!

2010-02-15T14:29:00.003-05:00

I've been pondering a tattoo a lot lately (Don't tell my mama!) and whether or not I'd like to incorporate something hip-related to pay tribute to my dysplasia days - pretty well torn between it being something that defines me and something that I can and will move past...

In the interim, however, HOW COOL IS THIS?!

Oh etsy, what a pity for us both that I'll have so much time next month for browsing and so little money to back it up!

Git-R-Done

2010-02-03T11:46:00.002-05:00

Well I'm 4 weeks pre-op today, but perhaps more importantly have stumbled upon the brandy-new International Hip Dysplasia Institute website, with totally apt and in no way bizarre spokesperson Larry the Cable Guy! Strange but true! So happy to see such a website go up (the first of its kind, to my knowledge) having been thwarted in my intrepid googling when I was first diagnosed - ending up with a whole lot of useless information about dogs and, if I was lucky, babies. I never thought I'd become any sort of rah-rah hip advocate, but stuff like this really makes my heart glad - now if only everyone would stop assuming I've had hip replacements and spellcheck would accept that "dysplasia" is actually a word! Then my life would truly be complete. :)

5 weeks pre-op

2010-01-27T08:44:00.003-05:00

Oh yes indeedy! Lately I've been weighing the relative merits of going in blind to this type of undertaking versus knowing what to expect. I think the distinction is really that between fear and dread. I'm not particularly scared this time around, but I am really really really not looking forward to going through it all again. Poop. But! Meanwhile my post-op hip is treating me fantastically, which is a good motivator for RPAO as well. Until recently my right hip has remained relatively asymptomatic, save for some incessant popping that only started after my LPAO. The past few days, though, have slayed me with sciatic pain on the right side, something I also experienced early on after diagnosis when I was just sorting out all the weird ways my left side had been coping. (Even then it was only on the right side, which I guess is fairly common for sciatica.)

I saw Dr. Hoo yesterday in so much pain I wasn't sure I could get up off the table, but of course she picked up immediately on the source of the discomfort and went to work. When I finally did get up the pain was somehow even worse and I could barely get back into my car. An evening's relaxing with three Lidoderm patches and a good night's sleep seem to have allowed the NSA voodoo to work its magic, though, as I woke up this morning with nothing but a dull ache remaining. Great success! Also a fine reminder of what it's going to be like when I can't bend on the right side - nearly busted out my hip kit grabber, but I think I'll save that for when I'm back on crutches for real. :)

8 weeks pre-op

2010-01-06T11:24:00.004-05:00

Really? Really. I just counted on my calendar! Sort of feel a bit like slamming my head in a door, but there you have it - RPAO, here I come!

My principal has been kind enough to grant me permission (or, as I just typed, "persimmon") to take the month of March off for the next chapter in my medical odyssey. As such, I will likely be on crutches for John & Ali's wedding, but decidedly NOT on crutches for the summer, which makes me OH-so-happy. Hopefully the timing will also coincide with a dramatic decrease in snowcover on the sidewalks - this is, at least, my master plan.

Unfortunately Dr. Kim is traveling a good deal these days, so the only pre-op appointment available to me is less than a week before my surgery date. Annette, his wonderful scheduler, said "Well, what if there's some reason why you can't have the procedure?" and I went "Errr...", thinking simultaneously "Well, then I won't have it?" and "What the hell reason could there possibly be?!" I can't think of one, but then I'm not, you know, a doctor.

Regardless, I am equal parts dreading going through all this again and elated to be getting it over with so soon. By the time I'm off crutches from this surgery I'll have spent 6 months of a year on the bastards. Truly worth it, though, I'm sure. Now that I've passed the 6 month post-LPAO mark I'm beginning to appreciate just how big an impact it's had. My leg is solid, stable - the joint is fluid and pain-free (aside from the continued nerve-regeneration pain, but that's GOOD pain!). I have a good leg! A leg to stand on! It is, in a word, awesome.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit pariah-esque because of all this - having to take a break from the bulk of my physical life for years now - but the alternative is a notion I can't begin to entertain. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to get better, no matter the cost. Let's DO this! :)

5 months post-op

2009-11-10T12:16:00.003-05:00

It's a little weird to think that I still haven't spent more time bipedal since surgery than I did on crutches - those days seem so far behind me! I think it's like they say about women having evolved to forget much of the pain of labor so that they might want to actually do it again. I've been thinking back on my hospital stay and realized how little I remember of the first couple of days, how the memory of getting out of bed for the first time is a visual one and not a sense one (though I seem to recall my sense was something like "HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS!"). Good thing, as I reluctantly look ahead to scheduling my RPAO in the spring. Though my right hip is deteriorating at an astonishing pace (having been entirely pain-free pre-op), I'm hopeful it will still be much better off than ol' lefty was going into surgery, and thus recovery will be easier. That's logical, right?!

Meanwhile my op leg seems to be coming along dandily. I walked a mile last week for the first time and Sunday played a full 18 holes of discgolf (in a t-shirt, no less!) - poorly, mind you, but it was still marvelous to get out there. Definitely slow on the inclines, but I make it up nonetheless, and don't experience pain so much as weakness. My dear PT Susan and I are working steadily on that, though, trying to shore up both sides as best I can without compromising one over the other. It's a balancing act, in more ways than one! I've been seeing her about once a week and getting regular ultrasound massage on my left IT band, which is tight like a tiger these days. I saw my GP, Dr. Crose, last week and, in addition to getting swine flu up the nose, got a prescription for lidocaine patches for my right hip as it worsens.

Intellectually I know that medicine is a science, but it's funny to me how just asking about something (in this case for a topical pain solution instead of the 1600+ milligrams of daily ibuprofen I was prescribed for 9 months leading to surgery) can completely change the doctor's approach. I definitely appreciate her willingness to hear me out on such things - we're both fairly new to this process! Haven't picked up the patches yet (and hope to use them only in dire circumstances) but Susan warns they're pretty powerful stuff and can seep meds into the capillary bed, meaning the numbness might spread any old which way. Regardless, I'll certainly not be keeping them on for the SIX TO EIGHT HOURS they supposedly work for. I'd like to at least be able to feel like I have a hip!

In terms of numbness on the op side (no meds needed there!) I've been getting a lot of surface sensation back, which is great, if painful. I truly welcome the pain, though, since it means I'm healing! The incision has reached a rather uncomfortable (burny/stabby) part of the healing process, but Susan assures me that as long as it's pinky-purpleish (which is definitely still is for the most part) it's still healing under there somewhere, so that's good. She claims that it will eventually just look like a thin white line, but at this point that seems, to quote Ralph Wiggum, unpossible. In any event, I'm feeling better and stronger (at least on the left side) with each passing day, and oh-so-pleased with my PAO. In case you couldn't tell. :)

Oh so THAT'S what "bilateral" means!

2009-10-28T11:05:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm nearly 5 months post-op and the balance (in my pelvis) has really shifted. The other day my right leg popped and I said "That's my good leg!" and my dad said "Which one's the 'good' one now?" and I realized, Hey! I actually DO have a good leg now, and it's my LEFT one! Some continued stiffness and weakness aside, LPAO was definitely a success and I'm continually amazed at the things that don't hurt. Conversely, I've finally come to a full acceptance of the inevitability of an RPAO, as the stronger my left gets the more the weaknesses of the right are apparent. I've also made some excellent strides both in yoga and in my chiropractic work, such that my upper back and left shoulder are better than ever. Of course, with that improved alignment comes the evidence of MISalignment in my right side - LE sigh!

It's been a funny full-circle journey to be experiencing the initial pangs of dysplasia all over again on the opposite (and heretofore almost entirely asymptomatic) side. At least I know what to do for the pain this time around! The knowing-what-to-expect is a blessing and a curse these days, as I consider an RPAO in a mere 5 months time. It's no good to start doing the math of 6 more months til my left side's functioning at full capacity and another year after that til the right is. I try my best not to focus on the limitations I have now, which will only get worse (for several months) before they get better, but that little grumpy gremlin's still lurking in the back of my mind most days. Of course, most days I'm also thinking pretty regularly "Oh how SPLENDID it is to WALK!!!" so it sort of evens out somehow. :) Mostly what I'm dreading at this point is starting the insurance dance all over again - I feel so much like the petulant child dragging her heels and whining "But I don't WANNNAAAAAA!" Lousy growing up. ;)

The presence of absence

2009-09-30T12:10:00.002-04:00

Well, it's a Wednesday, which means I'm X weeks post-LPAO, though at this point I've happily lost track. I'm also nearly 4 weeks post-crutches and am happy to say the ball of my right hand has finally healed to the point that you can barely tell it'd been beaten up for months by the otherwise-ergonomic grips of my Millennial Crutches - crutches that have been living in the back of my trusty Subaru since the day of Adam & Sue's wedding, such that I literally can see them in my rearview mirror. mwah ha ha ha ha!

I've been back at yoga regularly and taking Omega 3s, both of which seem to be increasing the sensation in my op leg daily. Also managed to pick up a $10 stationary bike at the fabulous annual Bethany Church sale (which a wonderful man carried to my house for me!), though I haven't done much with it after the initial foray that left me sore. Hopefully a mere seat adjustment will address that, but I want to talk to Susan, the PT I've been missing so dearly lo these many weeks, before getting back on again. And YES I see her tomorrow! No thanks to Boston Childrens, though, as it was Dr. Crose who ended up writing the scrip. Technically I'm still supposed to be on crutches, since the order for my follow-up x-rays never arrived. Great system they've got there.

But aside from still struggling a bit with going up stairs and putting on underwear (that pesky leg-lifty motion!), I'm feeling fairly fantastic. Except when I'm tired my limp is pretty much completely gone and it is with great self-satisfaction that I pass people on the sidewalk. I'm fast again!! There are so many moments when my brain anticipates pain and is pleasantly surprised when there's none - after 2 years of decreased mobility this should come as no shock, but I still get a lovely frisson every time it happens. And I can't tell you HOW many times a day I think "I am SO happy I'm not on crutches!" Last week I played my first post-op (half) round of disc golf, which really drove both points home. The last time I'd gone was a week or so before surgery and by the time we got to the first bench I was already struggling and couldn't wait to sit down. This time we got there and I was fine, just FINE thankyouverymuch! Granted I'm a little slow on the up-and-down hilly bits, but that's probably 85% paranoia and only 15% actual physical limitation. Overall I'm definitely not back to 100% (not that I even remember what 100% feels like, really) but I'm getting there, and actually excited to see what Susan has to say tomorrow (slash a microscopic bit concerned she's going to tell me I've effed something up in my enthusiastic rush towards bipedalism, but only a bit!). We shall soon see!

3 months post-op

2009-09-10T10:51:00.004-04:00

Cliche though it may well be, I'd feel remiss if I didn't note what a long strange trip this has been. It's been such a bizarre year (summer in particular) in terms of appreciating the passage of time - I truly can't believe a quarter of the year has passed since my PAO. Yipes! And what did I do with that time, exactly? Well, I watched The Sopranos in its entirety and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia in its entirety twice (it bears repeating). I didn't read one book from the time I was admitted til I returned home to Montpelier - the longest I've gone in probably my whole life without something going. I guess I learned the joys of passivity - certainly got my fill of THAT this summer!

Last night I made my triumphant return to yoga and actually fared pretty well, with the exception of some twists and bendy business that I just couldn't physically accomplish without irritating my screws something fierce. Really, though, what's sorest today is my poor beleaguered shoulders, beaten down by so much crutching and so little rest. The whole left side of my upper body (including my loud cracking jaw) is a bit unhappy today, but I'm certain tonight's adjustment and tomorrow's massage (AHHH!) will sort that out right quick. But, despite a minor panic at the start of class when I thought "Am I totally nuts?!", yoga helped me recenter in a way I haven't been able to for too long now, and I think has sorted my hip enough that (despite increased tenderness) my gait feels closer to normal now than it has... well, really since before I started experiencing dysplasia symptoms back in the summer of '07!

So, yes, PAO was definitely a smart choice for me and, though it really hadn't bothered me much at all before taking so much abuse this summer, old righty's surely going to go under the knife within a year. It's actually a little scary how quickly my brain switched to scheming for that surgery once I got off crutches for good. Even while limping around all screwed up (literally, I mean) my master planning instinct is kicking in full force. Thankfully I'll see Dr. Crose this afternoon and get some PT prescribed so I can put some closure to my LPAO before I get TOO far ahead of myself!

13 weeks post-PAO, 5 days post-crutches, 5 hours pre-yoga!

2009-09-09T12:25:00.002-04:00

Well, after reading about one of my hip sisters going out on ice skates at a mere 8 weeks post-op, I decided to toss off my crutches for good on Saturday, x-rays be damned! I'd been doing a good bit of short-distance walking leading up to it, so it wasn't too terrifying, though I couldn't walk without a limp if I tried. The pain in my hip is minimal - more just soreness and exhaustion - but my foot was KEEELing me for a couple of days and now the pain has migrated up to my ankle, all a result, no doubt, of my left leg being completely realigned. I also realized my foot looks kind of strange to me from this new perspective (actually flat on the floor instead of torqued out to the left), which I hadn't really considered when I wasn't putting weight on it.

Sunday was Adam & Sue's wedding and I'm confident in saying it was the most perfect day ever, a huge part of what was surely my best weekend of 2009 so far. And I danced! Oh how I danced, and went up and down stairs, and walked around like a normal person! So normal, in fact, that at one point Adam tried to do the "let's bump hips" dance on my left side and I had to be like "Dude, you're hitting my screws!" :D At this point the screws are probably the sorest part, kind of itchy actually as the feeling comes back. With the muscles it's more that they just won't do what they're supposed to, but they're not complaining much about what they can do. All in all, I've been in significantly less pain the past few weeks than I was for nearly 2 years pre-PAO, so I'm not complaining! The weirdest is things I do (sitting flat on the floor with my leg out, sitting in the car with my leg bent) that DON'T hurt - things that hurt so consistently before surgery that I'd conditioned myself not to do them. Thankfully I think all my crutch conditioning has reset my brain in that regard, so I do those things without thinking. Of course, I still do weird crutchy things without thinking - like flinging the door wide open to let myself (and my invisible crutches) through and trying to keep my hands empty at all times. How liberating to carry one's own beverage again!

Meanwhile my x-ray order still hasn't shown (shocking, I know) but thankfully I have an appointment with Dr. Crose, my GP, tomorrow morning so I can have her finally prescribe the PT I've been jonesing for for months now. Oooh and tonight I'm going back to yoga! Probably a bit crazy, but I'll be taking it easy, for sure - very much looking forward to stretching out some of these well-worn kinks, though - I suspect my shoulders will be quite pleased with me! Tomorrow back to Dr. Hoo and Friday MASSAGE so life is pretty, pretty good!

twiddles thumbs

2009-09-02T08:59:00.003-04:00

Well, 12 weeks post-op and all progress made towards not biting my nails has gone out the window. I am STILL on crutches! After waiting 2 weeks for a response to my email to Erin about my second round of x-rays (which need to be done before they start "weaning" me off crutches), I waited another 2 weeks for the x-ray order to arrive in my mailbox and it never did. Thankfully trusty Shani in Dr. Kim's office tracked Erin down and (allegedly) put the order in the mail to me Monday. Which implies to me that the order was never sent in the first place, but who am I to speculate??

Meanwhile, I eye with growing envious rage the blogs of folks who were back on two feet at 10 weeks - how could I have gone from 48 hours ahead of schedule in the hospital to two weeks BEHIND once I left? After having been so prepared and informed going into my LPAO, I've felt completely forgotten as soon as I left Beth Israel. It's not a good feeling.

I saw Dr. Hoo last night for the first time in many weeks and realized how disconnected I've been from the recovery process (and the poor bedraggled Hipnotic!) lo these many weeks - in no small part, I think, because of how powerless I've felt just waiting and waiting and waiting. Thankfully I've been able to hit the therapy pool at least once a week since I left my folks' house, which has been just dandy. Otherwise I would be doing NO PT, since Dr. Kim doesn't prescribe it until after these accursed x-rays are done, which makes absolutely no sense to me.

Regardless, at 10 weeks I started walking short distances without my crutches, just around the house and the bookstore, in preparation for Adam & Sue's wedding this weekend. When they first booked it I jokingly said I might still be on crutches at that point and here I am, still in limbo and unsure of whether I'm really screwing myself up (no pun intended involving my new internal titanium accessories) attempting time on two legs. But my patience reserve was pretty low once I passed the 10-week mark, and at this point I'm running on fumes. Keeping fingers crossed that I'll magically come home today to an x-ray order in my mailbox (because really it doesn't take that long for things to get here from Boston!) and can get it over with tomorrow after getting my post-op bloodwork done with Dr. Crose. Oh, best laid plans!

Sunday Sun

2009-08-09T10:59:00.004-04:00

It's funny how I've gone from checking hipwomen a dozen times a day and updating this business near-daily (what did I even have to say??) to dropping off the face of the internet post-op. I guess because now I'm not so concerned with what to expect and, to be frank, recovery is kind of boring. Being back in the pool has been the most exciting part - remembering (my muscles, not my mind) how to walk is a definite eye-opener. I've certainly never tried so hard to act natural before! Last week I was right on the verge of asking one of the PTs how to turn around, a skill I seem to have lost after 8 weeks on crutches. I just could NOT do it normally - I found myself doing the crutchy hop-pivot and thinking "Now that can't be right!" But that muscle memory is something else, let me tell you - all of a sudden last week I realized I was turning like a normal person again. Everything I've started doing normally again has thus far happened like that - I do it unconsciously and then a second later go "Whoa! I just did that!" Same with lifting my leg up to the edge of the tub to dry it, which I did for the first time last week. I'm not too concerned about doing something bad that way, since if the soreness doesn't stop me the physical inability to bend or twist or exert myself that way certainly will. I just can't do it - period. But that list grows shorter by the day and I'm out and about (slowly but surely) more and more. Most pleasing is the steady return of feeling in my hip and thigh, which has been the most surprisingly slow development. Being in the pool is definitely helping in that regard - I never thought I'd be so happy to get that zippy ZING! shooting out of my scar.

And the scar... now I finally understand why the hipwomen talk about not being able to wear jeans post-op. MAN that thing is sensitive! I don't have to worry much about overexerting myself in the pool because the pressure of my suit on the incision gets unbearable far faster than any muscle fatigue. Not really sure if there's any solution to that save for that old healer time, which til now has been mostly on my side. My extended hiatus from the world of work came to an end this weekend, and being back in the store has been great thus far. Going back to school in a few weeks, however... I am SO hoping I'm not still on crutches for THAT business! And Adam & Sue's reception, which is on a boat. :/

At this point I'd say the biggest pain I have is the pain in my ass of trying to communicate with the folks at Boston Childrens - much as I love them and the work they do! I left the hospital feeling like I knew what to expect but as time goes by I'm less and less sure of what I'm supposed to be doing. My second round of post-op x-rays (which I'm trying to do in Vermont instead of driving 6 hours roundtrip for 10 minutes of appointments) still hasn't been scheduled and I have no idea how soon after that I might hope to be off crutches. I haven't seen a PT since I was in the hospital, which just seems wrong. Thankfully I already had my pool routine (which I've curtailed significantly, limiting myself to stretching & walking in the shallow and jogging & skiing in the deep) so I'm not feeling like a total lump, but still. Oh what a lesson in patience hip dysplasia has been!

6 weeks post-op tomorrow and I am headed HOME!

2009-07-21T15:42:00.004-04:00

Much as I love my parents and their relatively handicapped-accessible digs, it's high time I return to my own sweet sweet Montpelier home. And so I am on this drizzly day, though they're pretty much convinced I'm insane to do so. "Brave soul," my dad said, "at least here you know mama and I are here to help if you need it," conveniently forgetting that they just returned from 2 solid weeks on vacation, during which time I was left completely to my own devices. So I'm not too terrified, though a bit about dealing with having a car (and no parking spot) and stairs, of course, and being able to feed myself in a kitchen where the refrigerator is nowhere near the counter. (Something I never would have thought of at all were it not for the crutches in my life!)

Last Friday I had my one month post-op appointment with Dr. Kim and finally got to see his handiwork.

(This pic I took with my phone when left alone in the office - if the copies of the x-rays I ordered for myself are significantly more impressive, I'll be sure to post them.)

Everything seems to be healing nicely - my incision is down from a gory bumpy gash to a semi-lumpy vibrant purple line and I've been cleared to put 60 lbs. of weight on my op leg. I can't say enough about my fancy Millennial In-Motion Pros (Yao Ming's crutch of choice, I've just learned - woohoo!), which have kept me very comfortable, not to mention impressed even medical professionals, lo these many weeks. I haven't flung myself down the stairs ONCE (knock wood)!

I've been off pain meds for awhile now and am surprised to find that, for probably the past 2-3 weeks, I've been in less discomfort now than I was for nearly 2 years before surgery. It's pretty mindblowing. Really the only hurdle I need to clear now is strengthening my thigh muscles, which are still fairly weak and, because of continued immobility, haven't moved much past the nerve sensation level I had when I first got out of the hospital. I had a wonderful massage last week, though, and when Jennifer was working (gently!) on the back of my op leg I started to get a bit of pins and needles in areas that've been numb for over a month, so I'm certain with time the sensation will return fully. Thankfully my return to Montpelier also allows a return to the therapy pool where, amazingly, I CAN WALK! Oooh I'm so looking forward to it!!

And... what else? I went to my first show (the incomparable King Sunny Ade & His African Beats) on crutches and THAT was frustrating, but I'm still so glad I went. In a couple weeks I head down to Northampton to see THE AVETT BROTHERS (and probably cry from joy) and that one I'm swinging alone, which should be interesting. Generally people are pretty respectful of the crutches, though, with a few notable exceptions... but I suspect those people would be inconsiderate assholes crutches or no. :) All in all I'm definitely feeling good about the decision to go ahead with the PAO and, general inconvenience aside, am so thankful to be coming out on the other side of it all better, stronger, and decidedly less limpy than ever before!

3 weeks post-PAO

2009-07-01T15:40:00.004-04:00

You'd think I'd forgotten about this place lately, but really I've just forgotten what day/week/month it is. Seriously, I have no sense of time. But even so I'm aware that 3 weeks ago this afternoon I was waking up in recovery, putting my tongue stud back in, and feeling comfortably numb (if a bit woozy). Hard to believe that the hospital stay that at first moved so slowly from my static position in bed actually lasted a mere 5 days before I was back in Vermont, eating maple creemees with my folks.

Hospital living was so outside my realm of experience that it's only in retrospect that I realize how completely strange it was. At most I had the same nurses for 2 shifts, so it was a revolving door of new faces endlessly taking my vitals, bringing me pills, refilling my water. The first two nights I was lucky enough to have Nadine, who not only appreciated my sense of humor (thankfully unmarred by surgery) but had one of her own, and called me "sweetpea", which is what I call Augustus when he's not chewing cords or running laps while I try to sleep. This is helpful when one's job is to wake up an exhausted person every 2 hours to lay a bag of ice at intervals down both sides of their body and make them say "cold", "cool", or "nothing" as appropriate.

I was also lucky enough to have a room of my own, and the window view to boot (most of what I could see being relatively parkish) and flowers from friends and a teddy bear (Cowbell, as in "I've got a fever [which I did] and the only cure is more") that I quickly became very attached to. I learned to account for lag time in asking for vital equipment like a trapeze or a walker early to allow for the inevitable half-day bureaucratic delay in delivery. This lesson was driven home waiting for the toilet riser to arrive once my catheter came out. I learned not to order the fish (kind of a "duh" moment, in hindsight) but that the veggie burgers were enormous and you won't get ketchup unless you ask for it. Life skills, I tell you what! :)

The epidural was perfect (kudos skilled anesthesiologist whose name I don't remember!) and kept me well insulted from pain for as long as it was supposed to. I hadn't taken into account how difficult sitting up would be with a numb midsection, most of the reason why I nearly pulled my epidural out in all my scootings and squirmings before the trapeze arrived. I learned the power of the boost, when a nurse takes either side of the pad you're laying on and slides you right up to the top of the bed - THAT was awesome. I learned that without it your feet end up resting on the metal bar across the end of the bed, and that that, coupled with the epidural's numbness, will lead to bedsores (which thankfully I was spared) if you're not careful. I learned that having a drain pulled out and having a catheter pulled out are equally bizarre sensations, but the drain actually hurts, whereas the catheter is only uncomfortable. And that you should ask for the commode chair well before committing to catheter removal. I may have mentioned this before - it's a lesson I've learned well! :)

Going to the bathroom (as in physically getting myself in there and sitting down) was by far the most painful aspect (aside from rolling over to change the sheets under me - NOT for the faint of heart!) and complicated by the fact that my equilibrium was totally screwy. I'm glad the bathroom door was about 6 inches from my knees so that when I stood up I just bounced my head off of it instead of toppling to the floor. I can't quite explain the joy of being able to go in there, shut the door and just be ALONE after feeling like I was living in a glorified hallway for days on end. Oh, the simple pleasures!

I can't say enough about the BI staff and the care I received there - I always felt well looked-after and everyone I encountered was very kind. I can't thank my mother enough for staying with me for the duration, even though she commented more than once that she might as well have stayed home for all I "needed" from her. Just having her sitting there reading a book was enough most days, though the burrito she brought me for dinner halfway through my stay made her presence invaluable.

Since I've been home (or at least in my former home), I've been doing dandily - my bandage and steristrips have all been off for about a week now and, though it's considerably more gruesome than I'd anticipated (not to mention long as hell), my incision seems to be healing nicely. The tenderness along it is subsiding, along with the numbness in my upper thigh and the side of my hip, though that's receding slower than I'd thought/hoped it would. Last Friday I was able to sleep on my (right) side for the first time and it was VERY strange - the whole balance of my midsection is completely different (don't make me waste one of my duh's, as Bev would say) but it's comfortable, though rolling back over onto my back is a little difficult. Oooh and last night for the first time I lifted my op leg onto the bed without using my hands! Woohoo! I did it without even thinking and then went "Hey! My leg's on the bed! Sweeeeet."

My parents leave for 2 weeks at our place on PEI tomorrow and in anticipation I've been cooking more and more for myself without too many problems, though I did drop a bucket of raspberry sorbet (sing it like Prince!) on the floor the other day and ended up laughing hysterically as I tried (and failed) to pick it back up again and again with my crutches. I've learned that having my grabber with me (and a chair in the room) is key for safe and effective meal preparation.

And, though my mom is insanely restrictive in her assessment(s) of what I can and cannot do, I've been out on the town three times in the last week (not counting last night's long-awaited trip to the pharmacy) and have fared very well. This weekend I hope to make my triumphant return to civil society with some parade-and-fireworks action at John & Ali's in Hinesburg - we'll see how long I last without having to take a nap. :)

All in all the experience has been FAR less horrendous, painful, and frustrating than I ever thought it would be. Good thing I was consumed with it for 9+ months, right?! In two weeks I return to Childrens in Waltham for my post-op and get to see if the ol' pelvis is healing according to plan. I'm no expert (on anything, really), but I do suspect the results will be favorable!

And now, back to my It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathon, already in progress. I'm gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass, gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE!!

1 week post-PAO

2009-06-18T11:16:00.003-04:00

First off let me say that my sense of time is pretty much nonexistent at this point, so please forgive any continuity errors in my narrative. But I'm certain I've been out of the hospital since Monday afternoon, and sleeping pretty much nonstop (when not watching The Sopranos) since. Geez, where to begin?!

I guess Monday morning I saw another PT who made it her goal to get me away from my toe-scrunching method of moving my left foot while on crutches. To start, she had to physically pick up my left heel and advance the foot for me, but about halfway down the hall I started being able to do it on my own and by the time we were headed back to the room (2 chair breaks and 5 stairs later) I was picking the whole foot up in as close a semblance of a normal step as I was able to muster. It's really incredible what the body's able to do - muscle memory and whatnot. To clarify, in order to perform the PAO the surgeons had to sever all the muscles, nerves and tendons across the front of my thigh to get to the bone and reattach them - understandably there's a bit of a lag in them becoming fully (or even partially) functional again. The biggest hurdle is the tendon that runs along the back of your leg, and right across the biggest cut made in the pelvis - it's the one that allows you to lift your leg up (something I'm still doing manually, despite other improvements) and because of the new bone ledge created by moving the piece of my pelvis that was removed, the thing that pops over and over again deep inside the joint (I'm reassured that's normal body mechanics!).

The time when the non-functionality of said tendon is most evident is getting back into bed. I pretty quickly mastered the art of using my good leg to move my bad, but getting the full weight of that left thigh up onto the mattress, even using both hands and extra support, was by far the most painful movement post-op. Ehm... along with, you know, sitting up, moving, etc. :) Days later, it still hurts, for sure, but nowhere near as badly and I don't need 5 minutes rest to recover once I've successfully repositioned myself. Thankfully, after several nights of mind-blowingly confusing and detailed dreams, followed by soaking sweat and pounding headache, I've figured my pain meds regimen out to where things are a bit more normal, though I still have by far the strangest dreams of my life - the other night actually involving pink elephants. hahaha I told my mom about it and she again warned about abusing my meds lest they have to deal with a "hop-head" on their hands. :)

That said, my ease of mobility, though still very limited and tiring, is worlds away from just a couple of days ago and my folks are duly impressed, though my mom is daily telling me that I'm "doing too much" - yesterday she said this to me when I'd literally been awake for a sum total of 3 hours (or, as I like to count them, episodes of Sopranos) and moved from bed only to go to the bathroom... TWICE! The setup here at my folks (in addition to the marvel of having them here to make me food) is pretty much perfect - they've got a hospital bed set up for me in the old living room with a view out the atrium door looking right at the ever-busy hummingbird feeder, I've got wireless (which thankfully just started working again!) and a bathroom just far enough away to make it a good leg-stretching distance but with a toilet high enough that I haven't needed the extender seat thing on it conveniently located in an alcove for easy leveraging into and out of. Plus Augustus has access to perpetually-full water and dry food, so he's certainly not complaining!

Yesterday the dressing on my wound came off and nobody wants to see it! I think it's pretty badass (slash cringe-inducing) but both my parents have taken a pass on a peek. The incision itself is still covered in steristrips but fairly gruesome nonetheless at this stage of the game. Alas the amazing tape stuff they use basically pulled up my skin along one side, so I've got a couple actual bleedy spots in addition to the general itchiness of the exposed skin, but it's good to have it all open to the air finally. I gather the steristrips will come off over time, and then the real long-term cosmetic effects can be assessed. Not that I really give a hoot about the cosmetic effects on a part of my body that's almost never seen by anyone but me - the locomotive effects will be readily apparent to all and sundry!

Oooh, and let me tell you the coolest thing! Back when I started on this business several medical folks commented on how my left foot had a noticeable external rotation, most evident when I was lying down. When my first PT in the hospital met with me she pointed out how important it was to avoid that rotation (and any internal rotation) while healing, not least of all because it hurt like hell - she said I'd just need to put a towel or something along the outside of my leg to keep it straight on. Well, I did that for maybe three days and now my foot's straight as an arrow! Oh it's quite magical!

Hm... I'm sure I've missed something, but now that the internets are back to being my full-time friend, I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later. It's funny - I've been outside for a sum total of about 10 minutes in 2 weeks and it's not really bothering me yet - helps that it's raining today and my folks' house is pretty open. Just weird to not care AT ALL about the weather forecast for once. No offense Eye in the Sky Guys. :)

3 - it's the magic number

2009-06-14T07:19:00.002-04:00

Yeah it is! :)

I'm told that surgery day is Day Zero, making yesterday Day Three in my LPAO adventure, and what a day it was! My mama arrived soon after the epidural came out and was kind enough to give my back a thorough scratching (telling me I looked like a zebra already from where I'd been able to scratch) followed by some nice soothing lotion. We had a good bit of time to kill before the PT showed up, so we watched some Curb (which she'd never seen) and I tried not to laugh too hard - unintended consequence of this surgery being a change in my laugh as I try to keep all the motion in the upper part of my torso (weird!).

When Jenna, the PT (and a Vermonter!), arrived, she asked if I could wiggle my toes and was immediately impressed by the range of motion in my left foot/ankle/calf - I'd been moving it all around since the epidural started to wear off down there and was scared for a bit that I'd done something I shouldn't. She reassured me that I was actually doing marvelously and gave me a little tutorial on walker walking before getting me to sitting on the edge of the bed. Bear in mind that neither of my feet had touched ground in something like 80 hours, so needless to say it was a bit woozy-making even getting them into position. The pain was bearable, though, as long as I remembered to keep my torso leaned back enough that my leg wasn't at a 90 degree angle to it. Standing with the walker was a fairly bizarre sensation, since it was the first time I could really feel the effects of the surgery (and I'd just taken some more percocet!), but I was pleasantly surprised at my ability to maintain my balance given how long I'd been bed-bound. Definitely have to give yoga some credit on that one!

Apparently it's fairly standard for PAOers to have no ability to move the foot on the op side, such that Jenna often at first has to physically move their foot forward for them for a time. This was not to be my fate, however (thank heavens!), since I maintained so much mobility below the knee. Still and all, the extent of my phenomenal range of motion is to be able to creep my toes along the floor until my leg is angled toward the walker before hoisting the rest of my weight into position with my arms. On the walker the right leg doesn't seem to have to do much in this regard, save for keeping me upright, but we'll see how crutches go today. In any event, I managed to walker to the window and back to an armchair they'd brought in for me (approximately 15 feet, approximately 15 minutes) and sit for awhile waiting for them to bring in a commode to put over the room's toilet, which for some unknown reason is about a foot off the floor normally. Sitting up in a chair was SOOO very nice! And as soon as they got the commode in place they took out my catheter, which was a bit painful and strange, but also quite nice to see it go! Of course, I immediately realized what I'd just committed to and decided to stop drinking water and eating ice by the bucketfull!

Awkward though it was, it was a big step to be able to use the big kids potty again, and I was pretty wiped by the time I made it back to my armchair. Around this time Elizabeth showed up, having made the trip down to friends in the area the night before - it was really nice to see a friendly face from home here, where I feel I've been in exile for about a month, and to see my good spirits and relatively good health reflected in her. After she left came the delightful moment of getting back into bed, definitely the most painful part of the whole process, in no small part because I'm dependent on the nurse to get my op leg back into bed, and she has no way of knowing what hurts. I did make another unauthorized solo trip to the bathroom at about 4 this morning and managed to use my good leg to hoist my bum leg back in bed (with a short stopover propped on the walker) which was still painful but better, if only for being all under my control. You know how much I like control! ;)

Alright, time to make the trek to the bathroom again and hopefully not throw up, as I'm feeling a bit queasy this morning. Also fevery, but that's nothing new. In any event, it seems reasonable to expect that I'll go home tomorrow, barring any unforeseen complications. Here's hoping!

Epidural out!

2009-06-13T07:03:00.002-04:00

Else why would I be awake at 7am on a Saturday?? I can't explain the relief of finally being able to scratch my back, which has been covered in tape for 3 straight days. Ahhhhh! This also means I'll be getting feeling back in my legs (for better or worse!) and will soon be released from the dandy plastic compression legwarmers I've been rocking. My fever spiked again last night to 101 and I was so sweaty and miserable, but this morning it seems to have broken (thanks in no small part to the abundance of crushed ice available to me). After the epidural, they wait a few hours to take out the catheter, which means I'll be down to just one IV and able to finally get out of this stinking bed.

Of course, I'm probably crazy to look forward to that since it will undoubtedly hurt like hell. Just trying to reposition myself in bed with my trusty trapeze is cringe-inducing enough, and that's WITH the epidural! Yesterday a most intrepid nurse not only got me cleaner than I've been in days but also managed to change my sheets without me ever leaving the bed - miraculous! Ooh and a scrub-wearing angel just appeared at my bedside and gave me percocet! This hospital living's not nearly so bad as I thought it'd be!

Today is the first morning that the sun is shining fully on Boston, making it also the first day I'm really regretting not being able to get outside. Thankfully, though, my regret is assuaged by the phenomenal bouquet delivered last night from my dearly beloved Rivendell crew - truly one of the loveliest I've seen! Pretty much made my week. :)

Day... uh... something...

2009-06-12T07:13:00.002-04:00

Three? I've been in this bed since about 8:15 Wednesday morning, and it's starting to lose its charm! On the plus side, I'm now down to only 3 tubes coming out of me, as last night they took out the "spare" IV that was really paining me and this morning removed the drain in my hip. Which, let me tell you, was a BIZARRE sensation!

Everything seems to be progressing according to expectations, though I've been running a fever since last night and basically just want to jump into an ice bath. Sadly, it is not to be! Really I think the only thing that's happening today (aside from general rest and recovery) is getting the unit of blood I donated back. Tomorrow the epidural comes out and the real fun begins - I've been stepped down to a 6 (out of 10) and can definitely feel pain at the surgery site, if only when I try to move. Thankfully I've got a trapeze (metal triangle hanging over my head) so I can hoist myself up and reposition without doing too much damage. A good bit of popping going on in that hip, which I guess is normal, though I'd be lying if I said it didn't freak me out a bit when it happens.

It's ALLLIIIVE!!!

2009-06-11T09:10:00.004-04:00

Well, I did it! Or, more to the point, Dr. Kim did. LPAO went off yesterday without a hitch, except that my sense of time is totally screwy, such that this morning I thought "I can't eat anything before surgery"... the surgery I had 24 hours ago, that is!

Anesthesia and meds don't seem to be messing me up too bad, though I did lose some of my water last night due to drinking a little too enthusiastically (story of my life!). I'm pretty out of it, though, thanks in no small part to being woken up every 2 hours last night to do "ice tests", basically seeing how much of my body the epidural is affecting. Seems to really be doing the trick, though, as I'm in absolutely no pain and only minor discomfort when I shift around or try to sit up more. Ah, except for the INCESSANT ITCHING, that is, which I guess is standard for epidurals - man it's annoying! Ooops and it's a good thing a coupla doctor-types just checked on me, because apparently my epidural bandage was coming off and the epidural was about to fall out! Good catch!

Otherwise I'm feeling pretty dandy, aside from not having eaten anything but my "clear liquid tray" since Tuesday night. I'll pretty much be coasting through the next couple days, then my epidural comes out probably Saturday, at which point the REAL fun begins! I'll be getting my unit of donated blood back before then, though, so hopefully it'll increase my stamina, if not my pain endurance! I'll surely be updating here as best I can, but for now signing off from Room 1278 in scenic BIDMC!

Sadsack surprise

2009-06-04T13:39:00.003-04:00

I can't tell you how many times at school this week I've said "What was I just doing??" Seems to be the way of things these days. I was so scattered going into my adjustment Tuesday that Dr. Hoo seemed genuinely horrified at my condition and had me do some centering breathing exercises to try to pull me back together. They involved breathing with my hands on my stomach, my diaphragm and my throat and it was pretty powerful stuff, except when she asked me which felt most "open and inviting" - at moments like these I always feel like I'm at the optometrist, "Clearer with Number 1... *click* or Number 2... again 2... *click* or 1?" And I wonder "Are you trying to trick me??"

In any event, the adjustment was quite nice, followed by a really relaxing (no psoas poking this time!) massage, my last with Jennifer before surgery. To celebrate, instead of the delicious truffle she usually leaves you when she's done, she gave me perhaps the world's most marvelous chocolate bar - how I've managed to remain ignorant of these things even with my deep-seated caramel obsession is beyond me!

Oh yes and today is my second day without any ibuprofen, which I've been popping by the massive 600mg pill for many many months now. Had to go off it pre-op and have now successfully determined that it actually does nothing for me, save for probably effing up my kidneys for life. Even after a very hip-rigorous yoga class last night I'm still feeling just about the same without the meds as I ever did taking them.

And man was it some yoga class! Thankfully over time I think my prodigious sweating has at least been somewhat curtailed, but not my amazement at how far I'm actually able to push myself. Last night's theme was about finding your edge and pushing beyond it, and when Anj said "Feel your edge" I could probably feel it better than anyone else in the room, since it felt like the edge of a knife in my thigh. Still and all, no lasting ill effects from going that one step (or twist, as the case may be) further, even though I've begun really embracing the idea of running my leg into the ground (like my dear Subaru!) before surgery. Cow Face Pose (you may remember when I said Big Toe Pose was the worst asana name ever but I was clearly wrong!) certainly does the trick in that regard!

On the "I'm such a bad Buddhist" tip, it was nearly impossible for me to shut my dang brain up during the introspective/centering bits last night, but when I finally did I had an interesting realization: I'm sad! It's surprised even me how not-panicked I am, but I couldn't quite put a finger on what I was feeling until last night. Not that I could say why exactly, but there it is! Oh the vagaries of the human heart!

Glowsticks on the infield

2009-06-02T13:29:00.002-04:00

If you're looking for something to pull you out of mopey morosity (yes it's actually a word!) let me recommend to you some PHISH at FENWAY! Aside from the fact that my legs were burning from standing so long on concrete, it was pretty much perfect. The little bit of rain we had up to and including the phenomenal a cappella version of the Star-Spangled Banner (they were RIGHT in front of us) was blown away by (I presume) the collective power of the crowd's joy, not to mention a sick Trey solo that literally brought out the sun. And there was a rainbow. And there was must rejoicing. :)

Because I am such a lucky lucky bastard, I also saw David Byrne last night, it didn't rain, and I was able to sit on my trusty Maine lounger (best thing my dad ever gave my mom that she didn't want and gave to me!) for the bulk of the show. A definite switch in vibe from the Phish crowd, but marvelous nonetheless, and quite the stage show!

After school today I'll rock both chiro and massage, which is surely just what I need, along with finally getting back to yoga class tomorrow. And I'm a week away from surgery - WHEW! Hard to believe, but I've really made the best of my last bipedal weeks and will continue to do so until the last possible moment, believe you me!

Ugh.

2009-05-29T11:10:00.004-04:00

Well, my 4am jaunt down to Boston yesterday was very successful, though I discovered that traffic on 93 is just as bad at 7:15 in the morning as it is at 4:15 in the afternoon, when I left the city. The good news is that I had a little navigational mishap on the way out and still managed to get back on track by my wits alone (Garmin be damned!). The bad news is... yeah, I need another PAO. Dangitall! Somehow lo these many months I've been laboring under the false impression (slash hope) that since the right hip has been largely asymptomatic, I might get away with just the one PAO. But it is not to be so!

After my pre-op check-in business and blood donation (which went very well, if somewhat bruisingly), I had some more x-rays before seeing Erin, Dr. Kim's trusty PA. After initial pleasantries, she asked "So! Which hip do you want us to operate on?" and I felt like I'd been doused with icewater. "Uh... the left? The left's the one that bothers me." A moment passes and I say "So... the right? Is it your opinion that a PAO on the right is inevitable?" *holds breath* I even tried to get Dr. Kim to disagree with her when he came in, but no such luck. Honestly I was too exhausted yesterday to even begin to process the information, but getting up this morning was a bit of a stunner. Not that I don't have much more pressing matters to attend to at the moment!

The x-rays allowed Erin to calculate the coverage angles of each hip (how much of the femoral head [ball] is covered by the acetabulum [socket]). Ideally, these angles should be in the 20-degree range - my right is about 15 and my left a whopping NINE. Which explains why the left's been such an issue, and also why the right is a bit twingey, though still far behind the left in terms of discomfort. I asked Erin what degree of dysplasia I had and she said "I'd say... pretty bad." On a scale, of course, of Zero to Bad!

Meanwhile, the list of things I need to do before surgery isn't getting any shorter - at this point, I'm really looking forward to being sedated!

Fitter, Happier, More Productive

2009-05-26T12:38:00.002-04:00

Well, the first two, at least. :) I realized the other day that now, 2 weeks (and a day!) away from surgery, I'm feeling better than I ever have. Ferreal! My thinking has really shifted, from being defined by dysplasia (and the dire consequences thereof) to surgery being merely a brief interruption in what is otherwise an active happy life. If anything, aside from the anxiety of anticipation, what I'm mostly feeling is sadness, as I mourn the impending loss of mobility. But I'm not scared - I'm ready!

Friday's medical extravaganza was wholly successful - as it turned out my time at Boston Childrens (Waltham) went so long I would have missed my blood donation at BI anyhow. I also learned that I have "the strangest veins" ever seen by the kindly radiology nurse who spent half an hour trying to inject me with contrast. First try (left forearm) failed entirely, followed by a collapsed vein (right forearm) on second go, though she did get about 5ccs in before it went, finally getting the rest in through my right wrist, which gave a good sting. I decided to watch the last time around, since I can always use the help getting used to such things. The butterfly needles they use are actually pretty cool, and really helped the nurse work on the angle best suited for injection - apparently my veins are both in a weird place and weirdly angled, such that she was really struggling for awhile there. It all went in just fine through the wrist, though, and they gave me a handy hotpack for the collapsed vein, which really helped reduce the stinging and stiffness.

MRI wasn't nearly as scary as my first, and I had my wits about me enough to ask for a copy for myself, which I'm really looking forward to. They then sent me for x-rays (one less thing to do on Thursday!) because my initial ones (which thankfully still garnered me a speedy diagnosis) weren't the right kind. This time around they took all but one while I was standing, some with my foot at a not very comfortable angle. I had to hook my toes under the edge of the table for the lying down one, also something I would expressly avoid in my general life. Still and all, looking forward to getting copies of those as well, for one so I can finally calculate the actual degree of my dysplasia and for two... well, because I think they're cool. :)

Sunday's yoga class was especially marvelous, and I learned to love reclining big toe pose (perhaps the worst pose name yet) and the benefits it provides. Had a totally weird sensory experience where, when I lowered the leg I'd started with it felt like it hit the floor about 6 inches below my other leg. Sort of like the opposite of when you stand in a doorway pressing your hands against it and when you walk out your arms lift up, you know? Also got into my shoulders really well with some link-your-fingers-behind-your-back business, all of which I was feeling (in the best possible way) yesterday when I played A FULL 18 HOLES OF DISC GOLF! Man, it was AWESOME! Such a gorgeous day and, rustiness aside, so wonderful to get out and about. I was definitely tired by the time we made it home, but not in a lot of pain, nor am I today. Fantastico!

It's a good thing I'm such a genius...

2009-05-21T14:05:00.003-04:00

...since otherwise I'd have blithely contaminated my autologous blood donation with MRI contrast dye. Whoops! I was talking to my dad about it the other day and said "Huh - I wonder if I can donate blood after an MRI?" Turns out no, no I can't! (Add to the bulging "Glad I Asked" file.) So now I'm driving down to Waltham tomorrow for the sole purpose of an MRI that I could have just as easily had within a 10 mile radius of my home. Best laid plans! Hopefully, though, having one less blood donation (I'm still scheduled for one after my pre-op next Thursday) won't pose too much of a problem - if need be, I can just get some anonymous blood when the time comes.

Today, however, the positive far outweighs the irritating, as last night I not only accomplished tree pose while standing on my left leg but I also DID A HEADSTAND! Ehm... except my headstand also involved assistance from Anjali and a wall (not pictured). :) But still, pretty incredible! The theme of last night's class was celebration, and we had a fine time celebrating each other's small accomplishments, including doing this crazy line of tree poses with the person next to you supporting your extended foot. And not one person toppled to the ground! It was splendid.

Yoga is medicine.

2009-05-20T10:51:00.004-04:00

Jennifer said that yesterday when we were talking before (and during) my massage - she's noticed some real progress in my psoas and my ability to release them with her assistance. I notice that it doesn't hurt like a BASTARD when she touches them! I told her about my new persistent front-of-the-thigh pain and she immediately pinpointed it as the rectus femoris muscle (can't tell you how much I love these wiki illustrations). Turns out my work with Dr. Hoo has so loosened up my sacral region that the increased motion of my pelvis (*insert Beavis & Butthead snickers here*) has caused ol' rectus femoris to brace, just like my gluts were doing when my lower back first started loosening up. Jennifer completely eliminated the pain, though, at least through today, and when working on my shoulders had to ask which one had been bothering me - whereas 2 weeks ago the left shoulderblade was noticeably further away from the midline.

This change I definitely credit to the inclusion of yoga in my healing trifecta - we did camel pose (especially like the arrows and butt squiggle in this illustration) Sunday and a bunch of other arm things that I was surely feeling come Monday morning. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad/frustrated that I have to give it all up for probably 2 months at least, but heartened that I've gotten this far even with my hip issues. Just imagine what I'll be able to do post-op! Bad ass.

Oh yeah and guess what?! Blue Cross is actually paying for my PAO! Woot! Got the official letter yesterday, just in time for my MRI and first autologous blood donation on Friday. I'm not too anxious about all that - next Thursday is the real big push, pre-op, blood donation, x-rays, PT, Dr. Kim - it's going to be a long day, made longer by the fact that I can't head down til that morning, and my first appointment's at 7:45am! Best laid plans!

Monday night I was panicking something fierce (realizing that I don't stress out, I stress in, if that makes sense to anyone besides me) but yesterday's adjustment and massage combo (and the introspection it allows) set my mind right again. Back to the yoga studio this evening, which should calm me back down to baseline. All in all, I'm feeling pretty well blessed today. :)

4 weeks!

2009-05-13T12:41:00.003-04:00

Ah, but who's counting?! :) Holy eff that's soon. The delectable yogurt I had for breakfast this morning had a June 10th expiry date and I was like "Aw MAN!" haha Just can't escape it!

Well I cleaned my parents' storagey ex-garage area for 5 straight hours on Mothers Day (because I just love my mom THAT much!) and have been fairly stiff and miserably ever since. Add to that a mega faculty meeting yesterday facilitated by my newly-trained cutie freshmen, which precluded me from an adjustment, and work at the store after school today which precludes yoga and I'm definitely feeling it. But tomorrow I'll be adjusted and Friday and Sunday yogafied, and trust I will then get back on track.

Insurance frustration continues unabated, after learning last week that my request for Prior Approval was denied because I didn't get a second opinion in-network (even though they granted my Prior Approval for a second opinion from Dr. Kim [but who am I to try to apply logic to the insurance industry?!]). The first Blue Cross dude I talked to told me I should get a letter from Dr. Bean explaining that nobody in Vermont does PAOs - information apparently left out of the original paperwork - but when I actually got the letter and called again (talking to a different person - this always yields a different answer, I've found) the woman told me that what I really needed was for Dr. Bean to set up a peer-to-peer review with Blue Cross's boss doctor person in order to set things straight. Apparently the former approach would have required me to appeal the decision, which could take weeks (and I've only got four left, in case you'd forgotten!), whereas peer-to-peer would garner a decision immediately. Um... allegedly. Alas BC has no record of Dr. Bean having made an appointment to talk to said boss doctor person and my calls to Green Mountain Orthopedics Friday and today are as yet unreturned.

Oh well, worst case scenario I just have to pay a couple thou for this grand surgical adventure! No biggie, right?!

"These stones that break your bones will build the altar of your love"

2009-05-08T11:59:00.004-04:00

That's from a Lynn Park poem that Anjali read at the close of both Wednesday and today's yoga class, the theme of which was "cultivating your garden". As such, we tilled the (proverbial) soil of our garden by focusing on the feet, legs and hips, which is just dandy for me! We did some "toe-ga" (yes, that's yoga for your toes) and Wednesday even rocked Hanuman pose (Hanuman's a monkey - no tail necessary to complete the pose), though nobody in the class could master it without some sort of prop under them - I managed with a mere 2 blocks and was quite proud of myself! Add to the growing list of things I can do that heretofore I feared might snap my leg off at the root.

With the theme of cultivating one's garden, we were asked to identify one trait we'd like to cultivate in ourselves and one "invasive" we'd like to weed from our (again, proverbial) garden. I had a little trouble focusing on something on Wednesday, but this morning settled quickly on breathing out doubt and breathing in ease. Ah... am I starting to sound like a lunatic here? ha! Well, no matter, doubt and ease it was, and continued to be throughout the session. Today was the first day a couple of the poses really clicked for me and, though I'm still dripping sweat throughout the middle portion of the 90 minutes, I'm definitely going deeper into my practice (as they say) with each class. When we were done Anjali put out some sort of yoga-based intention cards or somesuch and invited us to choose one. Much as I'm not any sort of fan of divination, I like exercises like this (thinking back specifically to an AmeriCorps end-of-year meeting where I was struggling with a lot of frustration and picked "Delight", which completely turned my attitude on its head). I picked a card with a nice spring green border and discovered that it said "Trust". How fitting!

Hmmm... and I have some ranting to do about insurance, but will save it for another day (when hopefully the issue has been resolved!) so as not to disrupt my Positive Mental Attitude! :)

(I tried unsuccessfully to find an image of the card I pulled, but did uncover this which should suffice for ending this post on a high note. hahaha!)

My spine's having a pity party.

2009-05-06T08:08:00.003-04:00

Okay, first off let me say that today's Astronomy Picture of the Day (at left) is one of the coolest they've ever had - check it out!

Right, so my reevaluation with Dr. Matt on Monday was a grand success - I've made excellent progress both in Spinal Range of Motion and Spinal Tissue Stress, though my Spinal Cord Tension still lags behind. The pattern I'm exhibiting in the base of my spine, he told me, is one generally associated with a "pity party" (I believe that's the medical term). I had to laugh to myself when I realized that earlier I'd been gazing at the spine model in their office thinking "My poor spine", something I think often these days. But now is the time to toss out that attitude in favor of appreciating my body's resiliency in the face of trauma and how far I've come in the past 6 months of chiropractic care. I asked Matt what he thought about my surgery and he was very reassuring, pointing out that PMA is the most important part of a speedy recovery. And I thought "PMwhat?" before realizing he meant "Positive Mental Attitude". ha!

Turns out my pelvic sway is also gone, though it was still evident at my first reevaluation at the beginning of the year. For better or worse I think this change can be credited to the increased discomfort (or at least change in comfort) in my right hip, which until now has been protected by the sway. I haven't really let myself entertain the notion of an RPAO next year, instead focusing on how this shift (and the attendant benefits to my alignment) will aid in the healing process post-op.

I had a very nice massage yesterday with Jennifer, though for some reason it was really difficult for her to access the psoas and iliacus on both sides like she usually does. Instead she spent most of our time working on my left shoulder, pointing out (or rather confirming) that the shoulderblade doesn't quite sit right on that side. She found a staggering amount of tension in the lat(issimus dorsi) and again in the teres, which we'd done some work with before. (I love this diagram!) When she got to the iliac crest I involuntarily started to squirm. It's amazing how much tension we can carry in our bodies without even realizing it! I'm feeling pretty dandy today, though - definitely sore on the left side of my back, but looser than I have any recollection of being before. Looking forward to yoga tonight, when I can give my new range of motion a spin!

I've been thinking a lot since my conversation with Dr. Matt (who says he's not a counselor of any sort, but I know otherwise!) about what exactly I'm afraid of and, perhaps not surprising to those of you who know me, it's really about loss of control. For the past year I feel like I've really taken charge of my life, and now five weeks from today (shit, just realized it's Wednesday!) I'm basically flinging myself off a cliff. However, in honor of my new "PMA", I will acknowlege that I have a lot of cushioning, in the form of my parents, my friends, the knowledge (and dare I say wisdom??) I've gained since my diagnosis, to break my fall. Matt says the spinal cord tension is in part a result of the fight-or-flight response, which makes us curl in on ourselves. Given those two options, y'all know I'm not going to chose flight!

Don't get it twisted

2009-05-04T08:57:00.004-04:00

A breakthrough! Last night I was performing my usual pre-sleep stretch-and-pop routine and happened to twist right into a spot on the left side of my spine that returned a sharp pain. I sort of "explored" it a little (Anjali, my yoga instructor, would like that) and found that I was able to "breathe into it" (Dr. Hoo would like THAT!) and, after just a few more twinges, relieve the tension. Woot! Now, you may think I'm crazy (already or as a consequence of the following statement), but that particular subluxation is something I've been feeling for at least a decade, and I suspect at the root of my left shoulder troubles. Once it released last night I spent the next 20 or so minutes rolling my shoulders (repeated crunching sounds gone) and swinging my tingling arm (which felt about an inch and a half longer) around like a loonie. Augustus was certainly confused.

My shoulderblade itself is still pretty tight this morning, but thankfully this afternoon I have an adjustment and my reevaluation at the Rushfords, so I can both crow about my progress and start working on the next level of... ah... flexibility, I guess. I feel like Hoo would call it something like "spinal freedom". :)

Yes, so this NSA/yoga/massage combo is really doing the trick! I haven't quite come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to give it all up in 5 weeks for I don't know how long. Not quite sure how I'm going to swing that, but I'm so glad I've had the time I have to get my alignment in order, which can only help speed my recovery time.

And did I mention what a marvelous weekend I had? Good friends, good food, great music and just a general grand old time. I managed to stay off my feet enough to not get exhausted or increase my pain much at all, though the front of my hip (which is new) has been hurting pretty consistently over the past week and my limp has become noticeable. Well, more noticeable to me - I'm sure other people have been noticing it for some time now!

Oh and my mom finally read a blog! My folks have basically been ignoring everything I've sent them over the past year+, preferring the "The less we know the better" approach (which somewhat drives me insane, but that's neither here nor there!) but I finally hooked them with AKM's blog of her time in the hospital and post-op, so they can get some idea of what to expect. I'm proud of my mom - as scared as I am, it must be even worse for her to consider watching her only offspring go through all this, and facing it head-on is no easy task.

And, finally, after waiting on hold to the dulcent tones of a Muzak version of "Take My Breath Away", I want to wring the collective necks of Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Oh, they got the first part of the Prior Approval paperwork from Dr. Bean's office Friday, but the fax cut off so it needs to be sent again. Of course, they are the only people (psychics excepted) who actually KNEW that, because apparently it's not protocol to CALL the doctor when forms are incomplete. Chuckleheads.

Well, glad I asked!

2009-05-01T13:43:00.002-04:00

So I called Blue Cross today because I still haven't heard back about my request for prior approval, which is supposed to take 3 business days and has taken more like a month - extreme even by insurance company delay standards. Annnddddd... they have no record of my request! Called the office of Dr. Bean, the orthopedist I initially consulted with at Central Vermont who made the referral to Boston, and their very kind medical records lady has a confirmation from Blue Cross that they received the fax of the necessary documentation. Apparently, though, it's disappeared into the hazy blue beyond and needs to be sent again. Long story short, I should be hearing next week about whether they approve this business or not. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I will not be accepting a denial without a fight!

Meanwhile, I've been reading AKM's account of her PAO experience over at What's the Hip Fix? For those of you looking for some sense of what the hospital experience is going to be like for me, her account starts here and has really helped me understand more what to expect. Also a helpful primer for those of you considering visiting me in the hospital! :)

Happy May Day!

6 weeks!

2009-04-29T14:00:00.002-04:00

Yipes. I actually just recounted on my calendar just to make sure I hadn't lost track somehow. ha!

Yep, and I'm scared. Had a dream the other night that somehow the surgery resulted not in loss of motion but loss of personality, and I woke up realizing how much more difficult it would be for me to adjust to being unable to express myself than to, say, being unable to walk. Thanks for that insight, unconscious! But, stomach-based butterflies aside, I feel like I've gotten over the wall of "I can't even conceive of this" to some semblance of being ready to just be done with it. Perspective is such a huge piece of that, and I'm so attuned to people with canes, walkers and wheelchairs that it's not hard to come by these days. I will be better for this surgery, and that's what's important, no matter how anxious the anticipation makes me. Or how pissy it makes me to think I might lose my piercings as a result. ;) (But MAN that's annoying!)

Last night Dr. Hoo commented on a great deal of tension in my shoulders, which I attributed to overdoing the arms-behind-the-back bits of yoga on Sunday, which I can't really do worth a dang and shan't be so enthusiastic about during this evening's class, surely! My adjustment was quite wonderful, thankfully, and cleared out a lot of tension at both ends of the spine. Last night and today, though, my hip has really bothered me for whatever reason - I'm telling myself it's a sign of some positive realignment and not the result of somehow grievously injuring myself in, say, a Pigeon Pose, for instance. :)

Gentle But Constant Marissa

2009-04-27T14:38:00.005-04:00

Dr. Hoo said that about my breathing during my adjustment last week - pretty sure there's supposed to be a comma in there, too, but at the time it struck me as such a funny phrase, especially for readers who know me personally! I was on break all last week, and managed another Restorative Yoga class, an adjustment, a massage, my last private yoga session AND a spa day (thanks again Beverly!), as well as some general rest and relaxation. And listening to a LOT of live Avett Brothers. :)

Dar Williams once said at a show, talking about her meditation practice and her frustrations at not being able to let go of her thoughts, that she thought "I'm a bad Buddhist" so many times that it became, in effect, her meditation mantra. I think of that story often these days, as my overactive mind does its best to analyze and comment upon my every effort to shut it the heck up. I had a bit of a breakthrough, though, at Restorative last Sunday, where during my breathing out of stale air and breathing in of new lifeforce (and whatnot) this image suddenly popped into my head of an old house by the sea just open for the summer. Breathing out blows the dried leaves out through the open doors; breathing in draws in the breeze off the ocean and, somehow, breathes sunlight into the room. Doesn't make "rational" "sense", I know, but it works!

Of course, I'd be lying if I said I was able to bring this precision focus to my general yoga practice, because I'm still quite the newb in that regard. Last night I went to my first class with people other than Anjali, and it was a pretty grand success! Definitely a little hairy in the middle (seriously, chair pose, are you trying to kill me?!) and I was dripping sweat, but by the end (approximately 3 dozen Downward Dogs later) I was feeling great. And, though I ended all three of my private sessions with varying levels of muscle spasms in my thighs and a day or two of soreness thereafter, I was twitch-free last night and, some tightness in the backs of my legs aside, I'm right as rain today - woohoo! And did I mention I've even been doing PIGEON POSE?!? Ahahahaha (<--maniacal laughter) TAKE THAT HIPS!

Friday Afternoon in the Universe

2009-04-17T12:38:00.002-04:00

Or at least the very small universe of ME! :) At long last, I have my second Anusara session with Anjali this afternoon, which I'm very much looking forward to - hope to sneak in another next week so I can start going to regular classes the following weekend. I overdid it a bit running around Burlington yesterday and am definitely feeling the effects, though I did score a sweet Vaude ultralight pack for a mere 20 bucks at the Gear Exchange after asking the dude for "like, the world's simplest backpack." It certainly is that, and crazy light to boot, as well as packing into its own pocket for handy travel (presumably AFTER I get off crutches).

Yeah, and now my leg hurts, not the usual psoas hurt I can deal with, but a nice new achy hurt in the front of my thigh, down the outside to my knee, which has really been bothering me. The last time I saw Jennifer she asked where my knee hurt and was surprised when I told her, as she'd been expecting something different. I'm beginning to wonder if there's actually something wrong with it, and it's not just referred pain, as I've been presuming lo these many months. Not that I really give a rap, as my officemate would say, because for now I've certainly got bigger proverbial fish to fry.

And I got a call yesterday that I need to have another MRI done before surgery (my first being nigh-on 9 months old), which thankfully I was able to book on the same day as my first autologous blood donation. Unfortunately I now have school committments the night before both of my pre-op days in Boston, so I'm going to have to go down the day of - especially tricky for my actual pre-op appointment at Beth Israel, which is at 7:45am! I guess at least it'll be slightly less crowded on 93 at 5 in the morning, right?! Oh, best laid plans!

But in 2 hours I'll be on break, and you sure can't shake a stick at that! In addition to my adjustment and massage next Wednesday, the fabulous Beverly, my former boss, is taking my buddy Linda and I for a SPA DAY on Friday, so I should be well and pampered out by the time I have to come back here. So (perhaps the last 3 paragraphs aside), can't complain!

8 weeks from today

2009-04-15T10:26:00.003-04:00

*GULP!* Oh, it seems like just yesterday I was bitching about how long 9 months was! :) Still waiting for word from Blue Cross about whether I'm actually approved to go through with the thing, or whether I'll be paying out of pocket for this happy fun time elective procedure. Fingers crossed!

I have to say that lopsided Hip Hip Hooray cake really cracks me up - how appropriate! And you have to laugh, truly. Hoo spent much of my adjustment yesterday patting my neck with great concern, finally asking "Do you have some family stuff going on right now?" Why yes, yes I do! "Stuff" being "trying to determine if recuperating at my parents' house will actually drive me insane (even while heavily medicated)". At this point, to be honest, I'm leaning towards "it most certainly will", but am at a loss as to what my other options might be. *LE sigh*

Only 2 1/2 more school days til break! OHM shanti shanti shanti...

My Diagnosis is 1!

2009-04-10T13:25:00.005-04:00

For. Real. 365 days ago this afternoon I'd never even heard of hip dysplasia, and by the evening I was googling like a fiend, trying to figure out what the heck I was actually up against. Oh, how far I've come since then, jeez, just in anatomical knowledge alone!

For once I am somewhat at a loss as to how to sum up the past year's transformation... suffice to say that today also marks 2 months until my periacetabular osteotomy (say it three times fast!) and I am equal parts confident in my assiduous preparation therefor and terrified of the consquences thereof that I can't possibly predict. Okay, maybe more parts terrified, depending on the day. :) But I know I'm in good hands, and I know that all the work I've done this year can only help improve my chances for a speedy recovery. I'm hoping I'll come out of it all thinking it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I thought it would be!

I surely would not have made it this far without the support of my ever-expanding team of trusty medical professionals, the blogs of my fellow hipwomen and, most importantly, my friends who have endured 12 solid months of my rollercoaster obsession and all the compulsive information-sharing, shaky sanity, and occasional cane-wielding it has entailed. This summer is sure to be a tough one, but if you bear with me I promise to be much less of a stick in the mud thereafter. Much much MUCH love to you all!

My crutches came!

2009-04-08T12:17:00.003-04:00

And they are PRETTY badass - just look at that ergonomic grip, that spring-loaded tip! They weigh a good bit less than my crappy old wooden ones, and are about a zillion times more comfortable, on first go-round. My master plan was to get some crutching practice in in the next couple months, but I don't know how realistic that is, at least in the confines of my apartment (perhaps on the porch?!). I will, though, be able to bring them down this weekend when I see my folks (and Chris and Liz!!!) and give them a spin around the house. Harley, their dog, hasn't seen me on crutches, and I'm really hoping he doesn't have the same reaction (growling, barking, spinning excitedly) that Farrah Dog had to them.

I had a delightful massage with the lovely Jennifer last night and when I told her about my first experience "flointing" she said "That's funny, I've never heard of flointing! I say 'plex'!" hahaha She tried a new, less invasive approach towards my psoas, such that I'm not nearly as bruisey today as I was the last time. Definitely still got in there, though! Man, she hit one spot on the inside rim of my hip socket that was like turning on a flashlight beam of numb relief across my uppermost thigh - it was pretty crazy! She also really got into the back of my psoas on the lefthand side, asking about lower back pain (so regular I've come to take it for granted) and commenting that I must have a very high tolerance for pain, which I suspect will come in handy in the near future!

Despite the alternate approach, the psoas work still definitely did the trick, and without the nausea I'd previously experienced after a massage. My stride feels more loose and fluid, something I've been increasingly able to achieve through the more "holistic approach" I've been taking towards healing of late. I actually used that term last night talking about the past few months with Jennifer, and rather surprised myself. If I start talking about chaneling my spirit animal, somebody please tell me it's time to get off the bus! :)

On those days (like yesterday, like today) when I find myself entertaining the notion that I might avoid the scalpel altogether, I take a step or I get up out of a chair and ZING! the invisible dysplasia demons drive an awl right into my hip socket. Dang demons!!! Some nerve they've got, reminding my I'm all fallible and shit!

I'm flointing!

2009-04-06T12:06:00.005-04:00

Woohoo! Friday I had my first private session with Anjali at Yoga Mountain and it was quite excellent! Definitely a little awkward at first (especially once she turned off the music so she could hear my breathing!) but really something once I got focused on my body. I was most surprised at how much I could actually do - really just needed a couple of blankets and blocks to help modify some poses, and decided to do without altogether the balancing pose requiring me to stand on my left leg. Yeah, not gonna happen!

Wait, that was a lie - what was MOST surprising is that my arms are falling out of their sockets! Not far in Anjali said "Now let me just adjust your arms for you" and literally picked up my upper arm and placed it back into the socket. I didn't know you could do that! There were a few times she did the same with my legs, rotating the calves in and the thighs out because my knees were knocking in in a weird way - no doubt a result of the slight inversion of my left foot that Jennifer noticed, too, when she initially evaluated me. All of these adjustments felt just dandy at the time, and definitely altered my alignment for the better, but MAN did I feel them the next day!

Overall, though, Anjali said my alignment is pretty good - I just need to get more comfortable with the poses and to that end will be doing 2 more sessions just with her before joining her regular Level 1 Anusara class. I'm really looking forward to it - still kind of stunned by what I was able to do and how relaxed I felt immediately afterward (next day pains aside!). Seems like a perfect addition to my routine, so much so that I really wish I'd had the funds for it months ago!

Oh yeah, and flointing! At one point Anjali said "...and just floint your foot and stretch to the left" and I'm going "uh huh, uh huh, stretch to the left... wait. What?!" Apparently yoga instructors are prone to making up words, and this is Anjali's conflation of "flex" and "point". I must say I am an excellent flointer. :) Unfortunately I'm not able to schedule another session til next week, but with a massage tomorrow (YAY!) and an adjustment Thursday, I think I'll muddle through somehow!

Finally heard back Saturday from Erin, Dr. Kim's trusty PA (who just had knee surgery herself), about a couple of questions I had. Turns out all body jewelry is outlawed during surgery, which means both my tongue stud and my rook ring will have to be out for at least a few hours (still waiting to hear how soon I can put them back in) while I'm in the OR. This is slightly complicating because 1)there's a good chance that even after more than a decade, my tongue will heal in that short period of time and 2)I can't take my rook piercing out! I'll need to find a piercer to do it for me, and I have no idea how long that one can be out before it starts to close up. Curses! Of course my mom is triumphant (both she and my dad have said they will NOT be helping me put jewelry back in post-op) but I'm feeling torn at best. Would I have taken either piercing out anytime soon without surgery? No way. But would I go through another round of piercing to have them back? I don't think so. Arrrrr talk about unintended consequences! How frustrating.

Getting kitted up

2009-04-02T12:10:00.003-04:00

My hip kit came yesterday! I was on the phone with Chris when I opened it and tried to explain to him what I was looking at. "Well, see, there's this grabber thing like old people have to get cans down off the top shelf, but it has this screw-like thing coming out the top of it and a plastic loopy thing that looks like something else might fit into it...? Like... this other hooky thing...?" haha And of course it doesn't come with any instructions like somehow I'm supposed to intuit how to be infirmed!

Definitely helped with the "making this feel real" aspect of pre-op life, though, I tell you what. Yeah, had a good bit of panic there for a minute or two! And let me give a big sarcastic "THANKS!" to whoever posted on hipwomen asking about the odds of DYING from a PAO. That's just the kind of thinking I need! Jeesh!

I'm hoping my crutches come before I head down to my folks house so I can see how getting around down there on them goes. Chris asked last night "Now, you're a damn dirty hippie, and it's going to be summer - shouldn't you be wearing sandals or something?" I was like "Agh I was just writing about that!" and he assured me that if I start wearing Crocs he will certainly be one of the first to mock me. Sadly I fear I will be prohibited from wearing the high-heeled version. :)

Balls!

2009-04-01T12:05:00.002-04:00

No really!

Jennifer recommended I stretch my teres by using one of these handy balance balls. "Most people have one stuck in their closet somewhere - I know I do!", she said, and lo and behold I found one (still in the box) in my storage closet, courtesy of our school wellness program of probably 2 years ago. I'd forgotten I even had the thing! But I spent a good while last night listening to This American Life and balancing on my back on the thing, weirdest side effect being severe sciatic pain on my right side that I had to spend some time working through. Otherwise, though, just dandy, and my shoulders, though sore, are feeling good today. Unfortunately I wasn't able to swing the psoas-stretching poses she also recommended, either because I misremembered them or because I'm physically incapable of such things. I see her again next Tuesday, so we'll have to revisit that option!

Jennifer also recommended investing in a tennis ball to help work out my glute issues, but unless I'm mistaken it hasn't started bracing the left side again since last I saw her - hooray! Got an email today that my hip kit shipped, but my crutches are still "processing", so hopefully I'll see them sooner rather than later! Never thought I'd be so excited at age 29 about new crutches! :)

"Let the back of your skull soften... melting... like butter... onto the earth..."

2009-03-30T13:05:00.003-04:00

Yeah Restorative Yoga! I spent 2 hours last night lying about on the floor like a mindfully-breathing lump, sneaking occasional glimpses out from behind my eye pillow to make sure I wasn't relaxing wrong. It was pretty sweet! I'm actually surprised by how little I was restricted in what I could do, though I determined that the pain I feel when sitting cross-legged is BAD really-you-shouldn't-do-this pain and not GOOD oh-stretch-out-that-unused-muscle pain. This is an important distinction!

But nothing else we did was too terrible, with the possible exception of the modified child's pose, which was a little touchy. I even accomplished the legs-up-the-wall pose (probably not its technical name), which felt quite nice on the old hips - apparently it gets one's lymph flowing differently with great results. Not quite sure why it never occurred to me before that "lymph" was actually something in my body... also not sure what I thought the lymph nodes did, but, hey, you learn something new every day!

Saturday I wore flip flops to the store because I just couldn't deal with socks. Oh flip flops how I have missed thee! And how I WILL miss thee in a couple of months when some well-meaning medical type tells me it's suicide to wear them while on crutches. It's a little scary how much of my time is spent wondering what shoes I'll be able to wear this summer, but is there such a thing as a comfortable supportive slip-on? That's not a Croc or some kind of Croc-type derivative? I just don't think I can swing plastic shoes. Fiddlesticks!

Investing in the future me.

2009-03-27T13:03:00.004-04:00

Apparently that's what I've been doing lo these many months, or so says Dr. Matt to the news that, in addition to taking up therapeutic massage, I'm also starting instruction in Anusara yoga!

Man, it's been awhile since I've posted, and things are chugging along quite nicely, especially after my massage with Jennifer on Tuesday. I have to stop myself from snickering as I lay there on the warm table listening to peaceful jungle sounds, focusing on my breathing and thinking to myself "Ow! Bastard!" But psoas work HURTS, as does the teres work we started to try to address my shoulder issues. Yowsah. Still, though, usually when I'm sick I find myself thinking over and over again "I feel like death" and for the first time after my massage I thought "I feel like life!" It was great, and then the nausea set in, apparently a regular side effect of psoas work. It wasn't terrible, and I didn't actually... ah... expectorate, shall we say, but it lasted more than an hour and was rather unpleasant.

That said, however, my left side (extensive pelvic bruising aside) feels ace! The Psoas Book talks about how growth and motion happen in spirals (like fractal broccoli!) and I've been aware for some time of how my left leg does a little circle around itself with every step. Damndest thing being that, after my massage stretched my psoas out, I not only felt like my leg was an inch longer but also noticed that the spiral in my gait was gone, replaced by my left arm making circles out and away from me as I walked. Weeeiiirrrd! Cool, though, as I notice more and more the interrelation of all body parts, and especially how so much of the pain I've experienced is really rooted in the psoas. I told Dr. Hoo that yesterday and she said "Well, as a chiropractor I have a different interpretation of that, but that's your truth right now and you should embrace it!" haha So cute she is.

I never would have guessed how much dysplasia would turn me into some sort of new age nutter, but I'm ever-so-grateful John and Ali referred me to the Rushfords, the Rushfords to Jennifer, and Jennifer to Anjali, who runs Yoga Mountain in Montpelier. I'll be doing a 2-hour Restorative Yoga session there Sunday, which consists, as near as I can tell, of complete relaxed passivity while poses are achieved through the use of props and pillows. Sounds like just the thing I need! Next Friday I have a private Anusara lesson with Anjali so we can figure out what limitations I might have on my practice before joining her regular classes. Anusara is very rooted in anatomy, which should make it perfectly suited to my needs... or my body's needs, I guess...

Funny thing about the past near-year is how dramatically it's altered my relationship with my body. On Tuesday Jennifer noted how my lefthand glute was "bracing" (basically tensing indefinitely) to stabilize my hip, and as I started to sigh about more faulty musculature she paused a moment and said "Smart body!" And what a smart way of looking at it! Thank you, left butt, for trying to spare me some pain!

And did I mention it's looking decidedly Springy out these days?! SO very nice to walk around town without fearing for the life of my lower extremities. I'm itching to get out on the discgolf course, and bound and determined to get some good days in in the ever-shorter time I have before surgery. Ooh and tomorrow I'm going to order my crutches! And my hip kit, which is decidedly less exciting. I forget which medical professional it was that suggested, when I mentioned my dilemma about cleaning Augus's litter box when I'm on crutches, that I can use the hip kit grabber because it's got "such a good grip". ahahaha I'm hoping she intended that I use it to grab the litter scoop and not perhaps some more direct method!

Funny, too, how even though I can't remember who said that I can still pick a pronoun without hesitation - every person I've relied on through this whole process (with the exception of orthopedists Drs. Bean and Kim, but I've barely spent any time with them) has been a woman. Handy, since so much of their work has involved poking around my pelvis! I am truly truly grateful for their steady guidance, and for my own willingness to ask question after question, dig deep into research, and explore options I would never have considered a year ago. Yay me! Oh, and yay them, too. ;)

You do it to yourSELF, you do (and that's what really hurts)

2009-03-16T09:56:00.002-04:00

I do believe I've finally cracked the code of what's wrong with my left shoulder and... it's me. The last time Hoo asked me "What happened here?" I said "Nothing that I'm conscious of" which made me think maybe I should be a bit MORE conscious of the area. Turns out I lean on it ALL the time, especially at work, and in less than a week of trying not to do such things unconsciously, I've already noticed a big difference. Still hurts, but it seems to be loosening up, which I suppose is to be expected once you stop pathologically injuring yourself!

Oooh and I got my Psoas Book! It's SUPERcool (aside from the glaring mistake in the dedication to her parents, without whose support the "second edition would not of been possible" - oh it just makes me cringe!) and, at first glance, really just just just what I needed. Can't wait to really get into it and start practicing the exercises therein. My next therapeutic massage is a week from tomorrow, and I hope Jennifer can see some change(s) for the better.

Hurdler

2009-03-12T14:51:00.002-04:00

Well, I've cleared the tiniest of hurdles by scheduling my pre-op appointment at Beth Israel, one round of blood donation, and my x-rays and appointment with Dr. Kim - May 28th is going to be a LONG day! Still need to figure out my other autologous (that means for me and me alone!) blood donation, though, since I'll either need to make another trip to BI or pay for the Red Cross to ship it down for me, which insurance may or may not cover. The lady at the BI blood place said it cost "a pretty penny" but had no idea of a ballpark figure. We'll see - much as I don't mind driving to Boston, there's the issue of timing the donation as well (and that pesky "also going to work" problem) to contend with.

Meanwhile, I've begun the joy of dealing with Blue Cross on the matter, and spent a good 15 minutes doing battle with the damnable Request for Prior Approval pdf. Jeez! Talk about user hostile! Absolutely no rhyme or reason to when it would and wouldn't let me fill in a box. And the whole point of the thing is to fill in boxes! Grrr. I was also reminded yet again of the value of calling customer service at least twice, so you can get at least 2 different answers to your question! It's always been that way, and this instance was no different - one told me I needed a form for both my pre-op and surgery, and the other said I just needed one. The marvelous Annette told me, however, that I'd only need one, and that woman knows her stuff! Dealing with out-of-network insurance from at least 3 states on a regular basis - I don't envy her, but I'm sure glad to have her as a resource!

Ew, and my blood donation is supposed to take 90 MINUTES! Jiminy! Add to that the fact that the last time I donated blood the tech told me she'd never seen anyone's blood flow so slowly. Oh man, I am not looking forward to it!

It's 3 months from today

2009-03-10T14:37:00.003-04:00

I try to refrain from too much swearing on here, but FUCK! That's some scary shit!

Left a message for the darling Annette today to schedule my pre-op, hung up and actually shuddered, going "Bluh-agh!" But I need to talk to her before I can talk to Blue Cross and then schedule at least a couple more massages with Jennifer and have put it off long enough already. Also have a note in to Yoga Mountain in town about getting into some Kripalu (the Moon Salutation of which Jennifer recommended for hip troubles) classes, so I'm looking forward to that, as well as to their monthly Restorative Yoga Sunday session, which I hope to catch soon.

Meanwhile, I've had some wicked anxiety dreams lately and have had a hard time sleeping in general (Augustus and his 5:30 breakfast wake up mewl is of no help there) - something I need to get a handle on sooner rather than later. Lousy overthinking brain!

I'd rather be in Denali than in denial

2009-03-09T12:56:00.004-04:00

But somehow, even though my life has been dysplasia-centric for nearly a year now, I still have moments where I think "Hey, I'm okay! Maybe I won't have to have surgery after all!" Then I have to remind myself of all I've done, changed, and given up in the past 11 months in order to get to this point and I think "Curses!" :)

I mean, I AM okay, most days, because I do my PT, I have my adjustments, I curtail my natural tendency to walk fast and far, I never run and I've minced around all winter (when not hermitted away in my apartment) intent on staying upright. I need to remind myself of that, and of the prickly fact that if I hadn't finally gone to the doctor last spring and found out what the heck was going on, I would have lost the ability to walk unassisted months ago. Hmph. And who among us couldn't use a little humbling every now and again?!

Stupid Spring

2009-03-06T13:40:00.003-05:00

They say that the mind of a woman is able to dull the memory of childbirth almost immediately, such that at some time in the future a mother might, you know, want to actually give birth again - thus ensuring the propagation of the human race. I suspect Vermonters have a similarly evolved mindwipe for the trials and tribulations of winter - it's the only way I can explain how every year (coming up on thirty now!) I somehow convince myself that "the end of February" equals "Spring", when of course it surely does not! Oh no, what the beginning of March really means is "icy death trap"! Man, it's scary out there - for dysplastics and... uh... regularplastics? alike. At least I don't feel alone in my Fearful Penguin Walk of Hesitancy around town. Jeesh! Say it with me now: "I WILL not fall I WILL not fall I WILL not fall!"

(This post brought to you by my hero, Tacky the Penguin)

I build my house with bricks!

2009-03-05T12:37:00.003-05:00

Right! So I've been on February break, and thus neglecting this place and my dedicated fan(s). :) Basically spent a week sleeping, which was grand, though I was also lucky enough to have my first therapeutic massage with Jennifer Harris, who Dr. Hoo had recommended to me. Jennifer's actually a chemical engineer by trade, but also teaches yoga and gives a mean psoas massage. Hoo-boy!

I'd never had a massage before and was a little nervous, but Jennifer was (and is!) great and was so excited to do psoas work - her favorite muscle! She warned me that she'd never normally do psoas work in the first session because, um, it really hurts! But promised we'd finish with some nice luxurious pampering to make up for it. And man did it hurt - she got right into both the front and back of both sides and I walked away with a nice big bruise across my pelvis. Of course, I also walked away without any hip pain for about 5 days, which is pretty much unheard of, and for the first time slept comfortably on my back - something I need to get used to for after surgery.

We also talked yoga, which Hoo thinks might solve my problems (at least hip-wise) altogether, and Jennifer recommended a series she thought might help. She also told me about The Psoas Book (neat graphic, eh?), which I didn't even know existed - it's not in print anymore, but I'm anxiously awaiting my used copy. The more I learn about the psoas, the more I understand how much of my pain is rooted in them - nearly all, I'd say, or actually all, barring the pain I experience when I turn funny or step on it wrong. Jennifer also commented that my right and left psoas feel very differently (though she was able to "release" both of them) - a comment I didn't pursue at the time, because I was focussing on not yelling "OW!", but will talk with her more about at our next session (by which time I'll have my hands on my book). Oh, and apparently I'm a "great breather" - having just come from an adjustment at the time, I told her she was getting my best breath of the week! And when you're done she gives you chocolate - clearly the woman is an angel.

Ehm... and what the heck else has been going on? Tuesday I had a really fine adjustment with Dr. Hoo - after my seated work I laid back down and my fingers touched the floor! It's weird, the first thing to go after my massage was my stupid left shoulderblade - I don't get it! It's my RIGHT shoulder that's supposed to be compensating for my left hip! I guess I blame my old torn right subscapularis (thanks TRAVIS!) somehow making the left one compensate for its... lack of compensation? Oh, human body, what a mystery you are!

And my folks won't be staying with me in the hospital - that's been determined for certain. I think at best I'll get the day of surgery with them, but then they'll head back home til I'm released. I floated the question of in-hospital support to the ladies of hipwomen, and got predictably mixed replies, basically summing up with that I needed to decide what I wanted. Well, I don't know what I'll want - I have no idea how I'll react to the whole experience, let alone the chemical cocktail burning through my bloodstream. But, really, I've come this far alone (invaluable web help aside!), so I might as well just keep on keeping on. Ugh, which reminds me - I need to schedule my pre-op and call the dang insurance company! How strange that I put that off during vacation! ;) I'll go ahead and blame Season 5 of Curb, which I found intact on my computer, unbeknownst to me. What a happy surprise!

"Between a high, solid wall and an egg that breaks against it, I will always stand on the side of the egg."

2009-02-20T11:35:00.001-05:00

Oh, how deeply I love Haruki Murakami!

My hip hurts

2009-02-18T10:07:00.005-05:00

Really you'd think I'd have a lot more posts with that title. :)

I don't know what it is lately, but the pain in my left hip has shifted and intensified the past couple weeks. I still have stretches of time where I'm fine, but when I'm not I'm REALLY not, and end up wincing and limping around for awhile. Heat definitely helps, though I gave myself a nice high-thigh steam burn with my beloved therabelt the other day - perhaps a bit too ambitious with the microwaving! It's weird, though, when I can get my hip to really relax, I feel it all the way up to my neck - similar to how when I walk I can often feel/hear a clicking at the base of my skull in time with my left leg's movements. Freaky!

I had a really good adjustment with Dr. Hoo yesterday, though, and feel like I've reached a new level of understanding with/of my spine (dear god that sounds new-agey!) - it's interesting how the process makes you so hyperaware of your body, similar to (though surely not as constricting as) an MRI. Hoo forewent the psoas adjustment(s) yesterday because she was "finding some new tension" - I suspect the combined result of my semi-murderous rage towards a coworker and my ever-increasing awareness of the impending reality of surgery. I really was pretty fine with it for the first 4 months or so, but for some reason it's been hitting me hard lately - probably because I need to start the funtimes insurance dance on the matter and get my pre-op stuff set up with Annette, Dr. Kim's very kind scheduler.

I saw Janice, my nutritionist, for probably the last time yesterday - she was blown away by my cholesterol results and we talked goal weight for surgery, all the good stuff I can eat to get my blood good and strong pre-op and the good stuff I can eat post-op to get my bone and tissue healing and my body back on track. And we talked about poop - you'd be surprised how much I talk to relative strangers about poop these days. We also talked meal plans, both in the hospital and at my folks house when I get out - a piece that's a little scary for me since every time I go home I dig through their kitchen and wonder "What the hell do you EAT?!" I'm going to get grocery lists and meal plans together for my mama to (hopefully) follow and start cooking extra soups and such to freeze for when I finally do make it back to my apartment... not that I feel I'll be strongly moved to eat soup in July, but what can you do?!

Oh yeah, and Hoo thinks I might heal my infirmity with yoga. She's really not too keen on the surgical option. So next week I'm going to try to see the massage therapist she recommended, who can also advise me on poses that are (and aren't) good for me. My master plan is to have a mini-spa day for myself Monday, going to the pool in the morning, then up to Burlington to see the masseuse, the finally to Hoo for an adjustment. Ah, I can't wait for break!

My mom's also floated the idea of a "dry run" to Boston next Friday, I guess to see if she can navigate the city and to assess her rooming options while I'm in hospital. I am frankly terrified to be in car driven by her in or even near Boston, but hopefully she'll assent to maybe going the T route for this first outing. Which of course would necessitate a goodly bit of walking, so... we shall see. I doubt she'll want to come drool with me over the new Shepard Fairey exhibit in town. :)

Only in dreeeeeaaaaams!

2009-02-14T09:51:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was feeling pretty poorly, so I came home from school early and slept for 5 hours, after which I was up for 3 then slept for another 10. Not only did I dream of Deadwood's Swearengen (Ian McShane) but also of the same weird amorphous group of strangers I'd gone for a shoeless dream walk with the other night (apparently now medical residents). I'd been mulling over my ever-closer-looming surgery before falling asleep (which I'm going to endeavor NOT to do in the future!) and dreamt of a sort of protracted pre-op appointment (in a room full of said strangers) in which my anxiety just grew and grew until part of the evaluation involved turning my leg in a painful manner and I just lost it. Thankfully my med student stranger-friends seemed rather nonplussed, and the scenery outside the examining room was a serene mountain lake. So... that was cool. :)

I think reality's sinking in a little quicker with the unconscious than with my waking brain. For better or worse!

Some funny things have occurred to me lately...

2009-02-11T11:42:00.003-05:00

Like I don't like hospitals. Poor John's stuck in Fletcher Allen right now thanks to his psychotic cat, and I entertained the notion of visiting him for about .3 seconds before getting that ooky feeling in my stomach hospitals always give me. Then it took about another .3 seconds for me to realize that in 4 months time (less a day!) I'll be living in one for probably a week. Hm... perhaps a fear I should address sooner rather than later!

A woman I'd just met asked me recently how I knew there was something wrong with my hips, and I had this weird cognitive dissonance for a minute. "Um... because they hurt like hell!" So funny how I've come to take the pain for granted - nobody'd asked me that before and I guess I thought it went without saying!

And because my brain works on anniversaries and countdowns, I have these odd moments lately of "Next year at this time..." as compared to "Last year at this time..." Last year at this time I was pretty much useless, drinking a lot of wine and generally being a sadsack. Not to mention being unable to walk down the hall when I got up from my desk and having no idea why. As such, it's rather edifying to think that next year at this time I'll be cured! Maybe. Hopefully. :) I've had to wait so long between diagnosis and surgery that it seems a real blessing to be able to number my crippled days at anything less than 365. These days it also seems like a blessing to be able to walk without a cane, make my own meals, and put on my own dang pants - things I fear I'm going to be longing for something fierce come this summer.

I missed my appointment with Dr. Hoo yesterday because the weather was iffy, but otherwise am feeling very well in the spine region. I've had three psoa adjustments on the left side and two on the right, and it's made quite the difference. For the first time (ever, I think) I've been able to crack the left side of my lower back, and my right side doesn't even need to crack anymore - amazing! My left shoulder has been steadily relaxing over time, and my neck and shoulders seem to be cricking and creaking their way back into place. What's really amazing (and one of the biggest benefits of NSA) is how now those crackings have a finite end - once I've done it a few times, that area's pretty much set, or can adjust itself, at least, without my conscious input. Incredible! My posture is better than ever, my pain is decreasing, my head is clear (well, as clear as one can hope for!) and my sleep is heavenly. Though I still have the weird dreams - last night being a long walk in a strange city with people walking much too fast for me. And I'd forgotten my shoes. :) Sometimes the symbols of the subconscious aren't THAT hard to riddle out!

I've started (compulsively) watching Deadwood, which has yielded yet another mantra for my dysplastic journey (along with Larry David's cane explanation "Fell in the toilet." hahaha) - this one from the wonderful dancing scene between Doc and Jewel. "I'm as nimble as a forest creature!" (In my mind the squirrel below is going "Eh!")

BOW BEFORE ME CHOLESTEROL!

2009-02-03T10:12:00.002-05:00

Went in this morning to get the results from my labs. My good cholesterol is up from 54 to 74 and bad down from 146 to 108! OH BURN, CHOLESTEROL!!! Additionally, my menacing triglycerides are down from 190 to 83, and I'm feeling pretty... pretty... pretty good! Definitely not too shabby for over the crazy holidays, and I'm sure I would have done even better if I'd been able to stick to my pool regimen over the past couple months. Pretty much impossible, though, between school and holidays - I'll be glad to get back into the regular swing of things.

The pool yesterday was great (and HOT!), though it was hard not to stretch out my shoulder, if only through the regular motions of my exercises. It's feeling a lot looser than it has in months, though, so I'm very interested to see what Dr. Hoo has to say about the state of things this evening. I also have what I presume to be a junkie's tingling anticipation of the relief of cracking the damn thing already!

I have spine homework

2009-02-02T12:14:00.003-05:00

You know, it's a good thing I have so much practice being self-centered. :)

Dr. Hoo has charged me with not trying to crack my wonky shoulder/upper back and it is REALLY HARD! She pointed out Thursday that all my twisting and stretching efforts in the area for the past 2 months have come to naught - in fact, the energy I'm trying to put into the stuck vertebra is just being absorbed (unhappily) by the vertebrae on either side of it. So I haven't cracked my shoulders in nearly 4 days, and am basically feeling immobile across the top of my back. It's weird.

Thankfully my beloved therabelt straps handily around my shoulder as well, so I can keep heat on it while (theoretically) relaxing. And relaxing my shoulder makes me realize how much of my day I'd been spending trying to pop it back in place, sometimes just by taking an extra deep breath. So I'm not taking any extra deep breaths, which is also weird. But hopefully will result in some happy resolution to the shoulder issue when I head to the Rushfords tomorrow. Dr. Hoo was also kind enough to give me a $10 off coupon for a therapeutic masseuse (and former chemist!) she recommends, though I've yet to make an appointment there. Frankly, at this point I feel like I'm bleeding cash out my spine, happy and well-adjusted though it may well be! I think, though, that I'm going to make one major investment this month, in a "Clear Day" with the Rushfords - a day in which you receive three adjustments, with yoga, meditation, inspiration and mandala art therapy (seriously) in between. Dr. Hoo really feels it might be a breakthrough day for me in the spots where I've been teetering on clear for the past few weeks. I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm also starting to look in earnest for secondhand Millennial Crutches (they're all the rage in the dysplastic set, dontchaknow!) so I can get a couple months of practicing in before becoming actually crutchbound. January pretty much completely passed me by, so I'm a little surprised to find myself halfway through the school year and just 4 months away from surgery. Yipes!

Referred Relief

2009-01-28T09:28:00.003-05:00

Oooh who wants to learn more hip vocab?! It scares me a little how much of this stuff I've picked up over the last few months, but, you know, the more you know! (dum dum dum DAAAH!) My work with Susan, the Wonder PT, got me familiar with the tensor fasciae and illiotibial tract (aka IT Band, which I believe I've bitched about here before!) because that's where we focused a lot of my ultrasound massage and Kinesio taping. Sorting that got me to strengthening my gluteous minimus, which was in pretty rough shape, having been banged around for months in my wonky joint. Still definitely not as strong as I'd like, but I'm getting there, and have now moved on to the illiopsoas - woohoo!

Dr. Hoo started paying attention to my psoas last week when she asked me to tilt my forehead down a bit while I was laying on my stomach and I immediately had searing lower back pain. She had me lie on my back and pressed the heel of her hand against my hip bone while having me lift the opposite leg and try to hold it up against pressure from her other hand. "Your left side is much weaker," she declared (stop the presses, William Randolph Hearst!) and told me she'd need to "take a contact" (NSA terminology for poking me in some manner) halfway between my belly button and hip bone. Thankfully I've become fairly unconcerned about medical professionals fiddling in my pelvic region, so it wasn't too uncomfortable, though it was certainly a bizarre sensation.

As you can see from this nifty cross-section diagram, the psoas essentially connect the base of your spine to your legs, wrapping around and running down the inside of the thigh. And they hurt me all the time! THIS is the answer to my question to Dr. Kim ("What exactly is hurting?") that he didn't know how to answer. After my first psoas adjustment last week, I had a lot of soreness on the outside of my leg and in my left bum, which is unusual for me. It did seem to work out some of the pain of the inside of the joint, though, and I felt a bit more stable, though I had a few choice moments of losing joint function altogether, which is NOT unusual, lucky me! After yesterday's adjustment I definitely had weird pangs and stretching, but not the soreness of the last time, and am feeling like my leg is twisting (or UNtwisting, I suppose) from top to bottom. Which is a weird sensation. :) Good, though, and I think getting better today. And instead of referred pain in my knee (always a strange concept, because medically my knee isn't hurting me, but actually it is) I now have referred relief!

In other news, I have a limp. This may not be a surprise to you, but it is to me more often than you might think. A few weeks back I was having a bad (hip) day and felt like I was just taking it a bit slow and measured when I walked into Royal Orchid and the matriarch immediately asked "What happened to your leg?!" I was crestfallen - here I thought I'd been keeping it such a good secret! haha I had a moment yesterday walking (pretty normally, I thought) down the hall at school when I caught my reflection ahead of me and saw what any Joe on the street would - someone obviously favoring their left side. Curses! It's funny how something like this affects your self-consiousness, though - for a long time I've been of the opinion that people think of you whatever they want, regardless, so you might as well be true to yourself and see who can really hang with that, but this whole hip business catapults that theory into the stratosphere. Yes, I have to turn my body fully perpendicular to the car like an old woman in order to get out; yes, I'm 29 and take the elevator up 1 floor to the chiropractor; YES I LIMP HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME?! hahaha Also very helpful in checking my own assumptions about other people, I tell you what!

It's a beautiful snowy day in Vermont and I'm sad not to be able to run around in it frolicking like in years past, but I've been pretty crafty around the house in my infirmity and haven't gone stir-crazy at all yet, which is nice. We'll see how I'm doing come March. :)

ebullient

2009-01-20T13:10:00.002-05:00

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!

I've got spurs that jingle jangle jingle!

2009-01-13T12:51:00.003-05:00

Or perhaps will after tomorrow when I head to sunny Houston Tejasssssss - YEEE-HAW!

hahaha Poor kitty! Anyhow, I'm really excited for Winter Meeting (my third, after Seattle and Tampa), as it should be a fantastic rejuvenating time. I'm more than a bit concerned about being stuck on a plane for 8 hours, since usually the longer I sit the longer it takes for me to get back to ambulatory when I get up. Thankfully we're staying in the hotel that's hosting, and we're right near the Houston Galleria, so we shouldn't have to travel far for work, food, or glorious shopping. The past few days my left hip's been bothering me something fierce, though the pool yesterday seems to have helped. Still and all, I may be packing my handy collapsible cane nonetheless.

At this point I'm a little more concerned about being stranded in an airport or two, since Houston falls squarely into the "ya can't get there from he-ah" category and the only flight there leaves at 6am and the only flight back gets in at midnight. I'm bringing my travel pillow, for sure! Also loaded up my iPod (no small thanks to Christopher, my personal tech support!) with plenty of podcasts (which I didn't even know were free because, you know, I live in a hole) and some Futurama, which Chris keeps telling me is awesome but which I've never actually seen. And I'm bringing sandals. And my swimsuit! I'm sure the Texans will think me mad, but it's not every day you get a full 60 degree increase in temperature! Did I already say yee-haw? :)

THR v. PAO: A Tutorial

2009-01-09T11:07:00.002-05:00

AKA What part of Periacetabular Osteotomy do you not understand? :D

I'm not having a hip replacement - let me just get that out of the way. It's a distinction I fear I'm going to be making fairly frequently, though perhaps less thanks to this handy dandy post!

This (in case you didn't know) is your hip (or, one's hip - you may have a hip of an entirely different stripe in your body and just not know it yet!):

A Total Hip Replacement (THR to its friends) replaces both the femoral head and the lining of the acetabular (socket) with prosthetics, whereas my own beloved/befeared PAO uses my own bits to correct the acetabular misalignment. I can do a killer fist-in-cupped-hand demonstration of this correction for those of you who are interested. :)

Basically my socket doesn't cover enough of the ball to prevent my hip from wobbling around all willy-nilly like an inebriated penguin, so Dr. Kim will make 3 cuts (probably with some scary saw, but let's not think about that!) thusly (full disclosure: I've never seen that pic before and it caused me to make a bad frowny face and go "Oh. My. God." *shudder*) and realign the piece such that it provides full coverage for the ball. It's called a joint preserving technique because it uses my own bone, cartilage, tissues and whatnot (I believe that's the medical term) to essentially recreate the joint. As such, I'll likely have as much, if not more, time left on the joint as I would with a THR, but without the restrictions a THR poses and without the need to replace the replacement as it wears out. Of course, my own joint very probably will wear out over time anyway, but it seems much more reasonable to have a hip replacement at 50 or 60 than at 29. Not to mention that by that time who knows what joint replacement technology will look like. *sings Kool Keith "mechanical legs, mechanical legs"!*

Of course, because the PAO slices right through bone and all the muscles I've been working so hard at building up, the recovery time is pretty astronomical, especially compared to the THR. As such, I'll be hospitalized for up to a week, then home and fairly low-functioning for at least a few more, all the while (ideally) on crutches, which I'll have probably up to my 12-week post-op check-up (yeah triple dash!) before getting down to a cane, recovery permitting. And, to be honest, there's a lot of shit that can go wrong, my biggest fears being nerve damage and blood clots. Oh, and it not working. ha! THAT would suck!

But so it's good I have all this time to prep, to get in better shape and deal with my Vitamin D deficiency and my slightly high cholesterol and my... uh... lack of an iPod? I'm better prepared for my surgery (5 months from tomorrow!) with each passing day!

And now so are you. :)

HEEEAAADDD, shoulders, hips and sacrum,

2009-01-06T13:18:00.005-05:00

HIPS AND SACRUM!

hahaha Oh man, it's a good thing I have such a deep appreciation for the absurd, else I surely would have lost my mind long ago.

Well! It's been just ages since I've posted here, though I suppose nothing particularly noteworthy has occurred in my pelvic region in that time, for better or worse. Yesterday was my first time in the pool in 2 weeks, because of all the holiday madness, and I was a little nervous, but did smashingly. I've had 3 or 4 adjustments in the interim and can really feel the difference in my shoulders when I do upperbody stuff. Did I mention I'm getting jacked? :)

I also realized recently that I regularly use "jacked" in 2 completely different ways - to mean both getting stronger (see above) and hurting (as in "I totally jacked my back") - but at this point I guess that's the least of my worries!

Anyway, so for probably the last month or so I've been compelled to stretch all the time, especially when I go to bed at night - a common effect, I gather, of NSA. I never thought much before about the relationship between my shoulders and my hips, but I'm more and more aware of it these days, in no small part because my left shoulder is, well, jacked! Yeah, and I apparently had no idea how badly. Dr. Hoo keeps telling me to be patient with it but it's been WEEKS now and it's still not quite right. I've made some incredible progress, though, not the least of which is movement in parts of my back I didn't know actually could move, and I'm very thankful for it.

And aside from too much uninterrupted standing on New Years Eve, ol' leftie's been doing pretty well lately, and I didn't come out of the pool yesterday shaking like I did after my last break from it (though admittedly that was way back in weak old July!). Turning over to 2009 has gotten me all the more amped up in my surgery prep/countdown (which is nearly to 5 months now, for those keeping track) and, though sadly Sandy Claus did not bring me Millennial Crutches this year, I did get a 120 gig iPod that should keep me nicely occupied during my infirmity. Oh, it's fantastic!

A happy new year to you all from me, a pig, and this drunken gnome-like fellow!

Dre-e-e-e-eam

2008-12-23T11:25:00.003-05:00

Dream, dream dream... man, I love that song. Definitely the best use of "gee whiz" in modern song. Or... I guess any song. My crazy involved dreams (which I've credited to my cleared spinal column, though perhaps I'm just having some sort of renaissance of the subconscious) continue unabated - biological/zombie terror outbreak the other night and an extremely long and detailed Harry Potter dream over the weekend, which I'll blame on Van Deren for showing me all the HP movies in the span of a week and a half. I've also had Dream Police stuck in my head for days, which I suppose I can only blame on Cheap Trick.

And I seem to have popped my left shoulderblade back mostly into place, which is great and strange. And today is the last day of school before break, though of course I've gotten some good stress to carry me through to the new year (including a School Board presentation the day we get back, half-hearted-huzzah), but, you know, this morning I saw the most amazing sundog (parhelion!) on my way to school and TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! OH HAPPY DAY! :D

2/3 of the way to TOTAL CHRISTMAS CHEER!

2008-12-19T19:50:00.002-05:00

Last night I finally saw the Christmas cement truck, and today heard Fairytale of New York! Now I just have to watch Beavis and Butthead Do Christmas with the boys, and my cheer will be complete!

My pelvic sway

2008-12-19T10:49:00.004-05:00

Sounds pretty sexy, eh?! But, um... it's not, really. Curses!

I had my reevaluation with the Rushfords Monday, and have moved consistently out of the red zone, exceeding our target goals in 2 out of 3 categories. Fantastico! I'm steadily working through stored stress and doing a good job of getting rid of new stress as it comes up, which is an especially amazing feat this time of year. The more I work out some areas, the more aware I am of the places that are still stuck, among them my left shoulder blade, which I feel like I finally breathed into for the first time yesterday at my adjustment. Turns out my pelvic sway is still much the same as when I came in, which surely has some to do with the fact that, you know, my pelvis is... what's the least repellant word here? Malformed? haha Hot!

Though I don't hold out much hope that NSA will somehow magically make all my hip pains go away, it's certainly had an amazing impact, yesterday being a fine example - I came limping in all grumbly mumbly and Dr. Hoo did some leg maneuvering along with the usual spine and shoulder stuff. Definitely the first time a medical professional has ever rubbed my butt and said "Let's bring some breath here, please." But, hey, it works! So I brought my breath there (which I didn't even really know I could do) and it was great. On my last deep breath of the adjustment my eyes actually rolled back in my head, and immediately Dr. Hoo said "Did you feel that breath?!" And I did, all the way up into new and exciting realms of spinality. And it was pretty sweet. :)

Slip slidin' away

2008-12-10T10:09:00.002-05:00

When I left Hinesburg last night my car thermometer read 42 and by the time I hit Montpelier it was 31 and the sidewalks were an uninterrupted sheet of glare ice. I slid cautiously the entire .2 miles home from my parking spot, feeling kind of silly until I compared it to how silly I'd feel if I fell and had to go back to crutches - it's all relative!

Two weeks from today I turn 29 (I may have mentioned this approximately 3 zillion times already) and 6 months from today I go under the knife - duhn duhn DAAAHHH! Thankfully the extreme delay before surgery hasn't resulted in my obsessing over it nonstop, and has instead helped me get everything in order in my usual compulsive manner. Also I've had plenty of time to get jacked in anticipation of all my crutch time. *flexes* :)

And I'm doing pretty well! I get a little anxious reading on hipwomen the tales of folks just going through a PAO, but have gotten pretty good at recognizing that there's no way I can anticipate how my particular experience will go, and there's no use fretting over it. It seems like attitude makes an enormous difference in healing, and I'm determined to get better, so I've got that going for me! And I feel like I have an amazing support system, both personally and medically - I can't thank what I think of as "my team" enough for helping me get through the past 8 months. You make my life better!

Thanks BJ :)

2008-12-08T09:55:00.004-05:00

BJ has consistently been the funniest contributor to my library of hip-related humor. Sent me this the other day:

heh heh heh

I nearly - NEARLY! - went back on the cane yesterday, after spending too much time on my feet at the store Saturday (and sleeping 12 hours that night) but managed to muddle through. This near-zero weather isn't doing me any favors, though I believe Santy Claus will be bringing me a new cozy knee-length coat for Birthmas this year!

On the insurance front, suffice to say I am very irritated right now and things are still up in the air about my MRI bill. Hmph!

Last Thursday I went to a demo/"Life Talk" at the Rushfords and now I have spine envy. Dr. Hoo let us observe an adjustment on a woman who's been coming to them for years and it was pretty mindblowing to see how quickly her spine is able to modify ITSELF in response to the smallest targeted touch (sometimes nowhere near where the problem might be manifesting). It was great to finally be able to see the process from the outside perspective and understand what an active role I (slash my bodymind) can and should play in the adjustment. I'm taking charge of my spine dammit! haha Looking forward to tomorrow's adjustment, which I think is my second to last before I get reevaluated and, much as I love it, hopefully drop down to going just once/week - I don't think the stress of driving there all the time is helping me any!

And in other news, MY BIRTHDAY IS TWO WEEKS FROM WEDNESDAY!!! WOOHOO! :D

Man, insurance is dumb.

2008-12-04T09:00:00.003-05:00

So even Blue Cross doesn't know why I got billed $450 from Children's Hospital - the friendly customer service lady was like "Uhhh... I'm going to pass this on to our investigators...?" But it seems like it was just an error in processing, since I had approval for out-of-network service from Dr. Kim and an emergency approval (from the side of 89) for the MRI on the day of. Apparently the charge is for the reading of the MRI, which may well have been done by someone other than Dr. Kim, which may have resulted in the error. Now I wait. And just presume it's all a mistake, because I sure don't have $450 lying around!

Otherwise, though, insurance is most assuredly NOT dumb, as without it I would have paid probably $15,000 (yes, that's the right number of zeros!) out of pocket before even getting to surgery. Or, more to the point, have incurred $15,000+ of debt!

Waking up this morning I was reminded of an unforseen consequence of my continued NSA adjustments - lots of sleep and LOTS of long, bizarre, superinvolved dreams! I don't know quite why, though the sleep isn't really a surprise. For whatever reason, that's what happens when my legs tire out - I just nod off... for about 3 hours on average! The dreaming I'm sure the Rushfords would say is a result of the pathways along my spinal cord being unblocked (and whatnot), but whatever it is it's throwing my subconscious for quite the loop!

Level 2 ACHIEVED!

2008-12-03T10:46:00.002-05:00

Well, Thanksgiving was awesome, Celtics were AMAZING, and having Travis and BJ (and Nick and Kara) in town Saturday was just a joy. Overall, life has been pretty good, though I was limping something fierce by the time I got to the Rushfords last night. I can always tell how well I'm feeling by how long the hallway seems. :)

Being trapped in a car for as long as I was last week, I actually found I had plenty of time to focus on my spine, and all the important nerve messages it sends me to keep my alignment true. Dr. Hoo was pleasantly surprised to see how well I was able to maintain flexibility despite the added stress, and started working with me on some Level 2 spinal business. This involved me laying on my side while she lined my ailing vertebrae up all proper-like and had me hold it for a few breaths. Immediately upon sitting back up, my left hip pain was gone. Just... gone! Astounding!

I also experienced another one of these crazy deep healing breaths that went right up into the top of my spine and shoulder blades, realigning the whole mess back to center. It's the kind of breath I expect to see in tomorrow's "Life Talk" at the Rushfords - basically a demonstration for new patients of what's going on behind your back when you're laying there (a lot more butt-touching than you might think). I'm definitely looking forward to it - much as I've felt the effects of my adjustments pretty profoundly, I still have no idea how to explain it all to people. Lucky for me I have Ali around to say things like "Oh, I looove Level 2!" which makes me feel slightly less crazy. :D

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...

2008-11-21T09:12:00.002-05:00

...the facts of bilateral hip dysplasia?

Yesterday in the mail I got:
a) my temporary handicapped parking permit - YAY!
b) a $450 bill from Boston Children's Hospital - BOO!

But today is my last day of school before Thanksgiving break and, aside from the fact that I have to get up Monday and Tuesday mornings at 7 to move my car, it should be a nice relaxing time. And Wednesday night, a nice relaxing time COURTSIDE WITH THE CELTICS!!! (Special thanks to Jon "Fantastic Friend" Kemp!) Though sadly we will not be close enough for KG to fall on me should he go for an out-of-bounds ball, or so Jon claims. I still believe ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!! :)

I'm getting the fear...

2008-11-18T11:34:00.002-05:00

...though thus far I've been able to stave off the bulk of the loathing!

My right hip hurts. There, I said it. The front of my left hip is panging and the side of my right hip is sore, sore, sore. I don't know if you've ever tried to limp BOTH legs, but it ain't easy. The pool yesterday was phenomenal as always (though somehow the water was colder than it's ever been), and I didn't feel any strange strains, so maybe it's just the cold that's doing it. I hope. Except that if it's the cold, I've got at least 5 more months of this. :/

Without getting too far ahead of myself, I'm considering what the next year+ of my life will look like if (when?) I need a PAO on my right side. There are plenty of women who've had both, and I've seen them scheduled as close as 6 months apart from one another, which would put me, in a best case scenario, right around winter break (slash my 30th birthday - yipes!) next year as a possibility. Initially I had said I would do summer of 2010 RPAO but at this point I can't even fathom going through another year and a half of pain and waiting. Of course, an RPAO also means I won't be able to drive even an automatic for maybe 2 months, which would complicate matters considerably. I'm going to give the whole thing a big HARRUMPH!

Today in my as yet futile quest for winter parking, I uttered for the first time the words "I'm handicapped" and felt pretty damn weird. It's not at all accurate... but then it is? Depending on the day? I think the word I've used here before is "limited", but "limited" doesn't get you a snow-free parking spot in downtown Montpelier, now does it?! :) *grumble*grumble*grumble*

Oh, except I can't complain too much...

2008-11-14T13:21:00.001-05:00

...because tomorrow I'm seeing THE AVETT BROTHERS!!!

And I will surely weep for joy. :D

I should be thanking my legs

2008-11-14T12:01:00.003-05:00

For hurting me, that is - according to Dr. Hoo. It certainly is an unfailing warning system for when I'm pushing myself too hard. It's actually pretty remarkable how quickly it gives me "constructive feedback" (in the form of various pinchings, pangings and wobbles) when I start thinking I can go rushing about all willy-nilly. How soon I forget my crutching and caning pace! But I'm working on it, for sure. Because I have to.

Monday the pool was inexplicably closed for Veterans Day? And yesterday I couldn't make it because of meetings. By the time I got to the Rushfords at 6, I was almost wishing I had the cane with me. Almost. :)

Though I am loathe to even put words to it, I have to admit (to myself, mostly) that my right leg has been bothering me. More than once last week when I was taking off my pants (which I should probably be doing sitting down, but don't always) I had a weird poppy pinch right in the front of my right hip joint. Scared the crap out of me. Dr. Kim claims that if it hasn't starting bothering me yet it won't, even when bearing the brunt of my weight for 3 months after surgery in June, but that seems physically impossible. We shall see...

I'm also in the midst of the Great Winter Parking Finagle with the City of Montpelier. Because I don't have parking at my place, and can't park on the street overnight from tomorrow through March because of our RIDICULOUS automatic winter parking ban, I normally park in a lot behind City Hall. That means, however, parking on the street when I get home from school (to avoid paying at a meter), then going out again in the evening to move my car to the lot and trudging out in the morning to move it again and/or head to school. While it's not a particularly long walk, it's a walk I'd prefer to avoid once the sidewalks transform into a snowy icy deathtrap. Thankfully, because I live in sweet little Montpelier, the Mayor herself has given me a load of leads to try to track down a parking alternative. I'm hoping for the one that puts me on the lower level of the parking garage - can you imagine the joy of not having to dig your car out after a snowstorm?! I sure can't! Otherwise, I'll be investing pretty quickly in hiking poles and some cleats!

T-minus 7 months (and counting)

2008-11-10T12:42:00.004-05:00

Yes indeedy, 7 months from this moment I will likely still be unconcious on an operating table at Beth Israel. Oh, how time flies when one is anxiously counting down to highly-invasive surgery! haha That said, I am feeling (to quote Larry David) prettttty... prettttttty... pretty good! I've been off the cane for over a week now, have reduced my ibuprofen intake by half (to a paltry 1200mg/day!) and worked my Saturday shift at the store like a normal employee. My legs were definitely tired by the end of the day, but I didn't have the shooting hip pain I've grown accustomed to - it really just was muscle fatigue, which is actually quite pleasant when you've been mostly unable to use your muscles for some time.

I feel so good I keep having to remind myself to slow down, but thankfully my body reminds me pretty quickly regardless. But I don't stop and hesitate at stairs or curbs like I've been doing for months now - I just focus on the muscles I know DO work to get me up (down's not really a problem). The proof is really in the pudding in the pool (nice image there), where I keep having moments of "Whoa! That doesn't hurt!", mostly about my lower back while I'm doing balance and midsection-strengthening things. Getting my lower back sorted has been an incredible boost in my endurance doing those exercises, such that I've increased reps steadily over the past couple weeks. Being strong is pretty cool! And I finally understand the phenomenon of exercise junkies... not that I suspect I'll be turning into one of them for real anytime soon.

Sadly for me (and much of Vermont), I'm more of a cheese junkie, something I need to work on in my new low-cholesterol lifestyle. Can I get a sarcastic WOOHOO?! :) Janice, my trusty nutritionist, and I had a nice long visit last week where she outlined my best plan of attack for diminishing my nasty LDL levels and praised my progress thus far. It was nice to get that unabashed reinforcement (unlike the reinforcement I give myself, which has all sorts of caveats - why do we do that to ourselves?!) and I don't feel like lowering my cholesterol will have too negative an impact on my diet. Aside from my beloved cheese. :(

I also sent in my form today for Dr. Crose to recommend me for a temporary handicapped parking permit. With snow (and Montpelier's absurd automatic winter night parking ban) fast approaching, I need all the parking help I can get. Otherwise, though, I'm chugging right along, drizzle and drear aside. This afternoon, to the pool!

Who wants to see my insides?!

2008-11-08T13:20:00.002-05:00

I asked for copies of my x-rays to bring to the Rushfords. Pretty cool, eh?! You'll notice almost no difference between my right (1st two) and left (2nd), even though my left has been killing me for over a year and right's been largely asymptomatic. This is also probably the only time many of you will see my butt. :)

Dibbies!

2008-11-08T10:48:00.002-05:00

Practical AND stylish! hahahaha

Barry Franklin: "I feel like I've died and gone to America."

2008-11-06T09:28:00.008-05:00

That about sums it up, yes? :D

In light of the New Day Dawning in America (And Whatnot) I'll keep this brief, though I felt an update was in order after I saw Tucker last night and he said "I'm glad you're okay - you hadn't blogged in a few days and I was worried." hahaha I am, in fact, quite a bit better than okay, following an excellent visit with Dr. Julietta (pronounced not with a J but with a "hoo") Rushford on Tuesday. I gave her the quick-and-dirty on my condition (it's always odd to explain it to someone who actually knows what I'm talking about!) and she said "But Marissa, the last time you were here you were wearing a cane, were you not?" :) Saturday was the last day I used my cane, nearly 5 weeks after I started on crutches - that's just about right in the 4-6 week range they'd given me when I started, but I can't discount the role NSA has played in my dramatically improved comfort level.

When I told Dr. Hoo about my surgery, she made the same face everybody makes when I tell them about it and said "Well. I want you to open yourself up to new possibilities. The body has an amazing capacity to heal itself - that's your mantra from now on!" To be honest I'm not quite to the mantra level of relaxation at ol' Rushford - more on the "Whoa! Who's touching my butt?!" level, with periods of patchy meditative focus. But there was a moment when she touched my lower back and I suddenly BREATHED in this huge deep breath, and felt like my whole face opened up. She said "Did you feel that breath, Marissa?! Breath is what the body uses to heal itself - it's something else for you to keep in mind." And I DID feel that breath! It was pretty crazy.

Yesterday I spent a goodly amount of time stretching and exploring my shockingly expanded range of motion - and this after only 3 adjustments! Tucker is convinced it's hypnosis, but if you consider that muscle tension is a matter of your brain being stuck sending the same signal over and over again, it really is a matter of redirecting the brain, or refocusing it long enough for the signal to reset, a form of hypnosis, I guess. Uhm... this is my entirely lay interpretation of what happens to me at the Voodoo Doctor. :) But it works, and that's good enough for me!

I'm walkin', yes indeed!

Leaving Caney City

2008-11-03T13:09:00.004-05:00

Maybe I'll head on up ta Gun Barrel City! Man, you really don't want to mess with Texas! :)

Friday I decided to forego the cane for my Halloween extravaganza - it was a last-minute decision, but one I don't regret much a'tall. I wandered downtown Rutland for some time, and even DANCED (which was heavenly) and didn't really feel too horrible at all. Until the next morning! Saturday I spent mostly leaning heavily on the cane and lying on my parents' bed with a cat and an ice pack. Yesterday, though, I fore...went? the cane again and cleaned my disastrous apartment for several hours without any real trouble. HUZZAH!

A big part of the Rushfords' clinical... model, I guess, is that improved spinal function improves the body's ability to heal itself. A couple weeks ago if I overdid it on my hip it'd take DAYS (or weeks on crutches) for me to restabilize, but after resting up for most of the day Saturday I was pretty much good! It feels AWESOME to be on 2 legs again - I can't even tell you. And being in the pool Thursday just reinforced the wondrous benefits of my NSA experience - I keep having moments where I'm like "WHOA! I didn't know I could do that!" Like... putting my right hand completely over my head, for instance. Mmmmm life is good!

What is Network Spinal Analysis?

2008-10-30T12:46:00.003-04:00

C'est ca. Does that help? Probably not. :)

Following rave reviews from the future Mrs. Tothers (and a free referral from Mr.), I travelled yesterday to Rushford Family Chiropractic in Burlington. Let me tell you it's a little odd to walk past Army and Navy recruitment offices only to open the door to an aromatherapitized, serene-chant-filled center for connecting me with the life force that flows through me. Somehow this made me more nervous than any of my MANY other medical experiences (except the MRI!), but as soon as we got down to the task at hand I could see the benefit of it all.

After writing my name and medical history for approximately the 1 zillionth time, Dr. Matt and I discussed the stresses in my life, both physical and emotional, before he started the evaluation of my spinal function. He started at the top and had gotten about 3 seconds in before discovering two huge bands of stress along the righthand side of my neck and shoulder. He likened these to tree trunks of stored stress, dating the lower band from about 1996 and the upper from about 2002 - "I believe that's the ex-boyfriend band", I told him. :) 1996 was when I was 16, so between my dealings with my parents (and my own brain) and the losses we experienced that year, it makes sense I'd have some tension from then.

The other major area of concern was, not surprisingly, my lower back. Holding my shoulders in place and pushing on the area, he put my range of motion at about 10% of capacity. To be honest, I didn't even remember that part of my spine COULD move, which is kind of scary.

I would be hard-pressed to explain what the actual "adjustment" consisted of, not because it's complicated, but because it's so simple and effective it's mindblowing. You can pretty much throw the chiropractic crack-and-snap paradigm out the window - there's barely any touching involved at all! But somehow it resets the signal your brain's been stuck sending to a particular muscle and allows it to relax, sometimes for the first time in years! It took less than 15 minutes, and immediately when I sat up the right side of my neck and shoulder felt... well, FELT for the first time in I don't know how long. I had a really weird time driving home, because I felt like my head was on crooked! And, suddenly, when Dr. Matt held my shoulders in place and pressed on my lower back, my whole body moved! He estimated it at closer to 25% range of motion. Did I mention my mind was blown?!

The Rushfords have a handy Spinal Exam Results Chart that rates your Range of Motion, Tissue Stress, and Spinal Cord Tension from a soothing blue Wellness/Maintenance Care range to a fiery Critical Care Range. I redlined across the board. Dr. Matt's recommendation was that I make 3 visits/week and reevaluate at 12 visits. Since their office is a ways away and they're only open evenings twice/week, I booked twice weekly for the next few weeks. I don't know how I'm actually going to PAY for it, but it's definitely worth it. Not to be too melodramatic, but when I went to get some food after my appointment, I left my cane in the car - the first time I've walked out in the wide world without some manner of stick in over a month! :O

Tonight I go for my second session and, who knows, may be doing cartwheels come Friday morning! :)

Also...

2008-10-29T13:55:00.001-04:00

I'm glad I wasn't on the train today!

Didja miss me?! DIDJA?!

2008-10-29T10:57:00.003-04:00

Augustus sure did. :)

Well, DC was a phenomenal success - I walked at least 2 miles on Friday and didn't have much pain at all (until Saturday!) aside from cane hand pain. Riding the Metro back I sat there watching my right hand vibrating - I surely did some nerve damage, as my pinky still isn't working quite right. Small sacrifice, I suppose, for not having to wield crutches all day. I'm pretty sure that would have been impossible. As it was the biggest challenge was the Metro, more because of the crowds than anything - escalators a-plenty and elevators to boot! But people were by and large very kind to me, and helpful to no end, though perhaps to a fault when trying to get me through the revolving door at the Hirschorn. :D

I definitely felt for Christopher, who even at my normal pace habitually walks 5-7 paces ahead of me - I kept saying "I can't hear you, you're too far away!" Which, at his normal volume, is saying something! ;) He did point out, however, the one saving grace - that with my cane I'm at PERFECT museum strolling pace, so for the bulk of the day Friday I didn't even feel like too much of a pariah. I hit the National Museum of Natural History (walk-through butterfly room and 3D Imax Deep Sea experience!), the American Art Museum (ANSEL EFFING ADAMS! including a new favorite), and the National Portrait Gallery (AMAZING Women in Photographs exhibit and Recognize!, which put a huge smile on my face!).

The day before I left I randomly discovered a Shepard Fairey (my future husband) exhibit at a little gallery, which we hit on Saturday and was pretty much the greatest thing I've seen this year. I LOVE him! We also hit the FDR memorial (at Susan's recommendation) before the torrential rains came down - it was incredibly moving and oddly timely. Funny how history so faithfully repeats itself. We ate a lot of good food, drank a lot of good beer, and generally had an awesome time. Oh and I had Krispy Kremes!!! Can't get THEM around here! And miraculously won 4 pool games in a row, which I would have thought impossible. Sunday we went to Dulles Air and Space, not the most handicap-friendly place I've ever been, but insanely cool. I saw the ship model from Close Encounters of the Third Kind!

By far the best/worst cane-related incident occurred at brunch Sunday, when a small child in line ahead of us exclaimed not once, not twice, but THRICE "Look! That girl's an old man!"

I'll just let you sit with that one for awhile, because it pretty much blew my mind. :) In the moment I decided to opt for laughing and saying "That's by far the funniest thing anyone's said to me since I got this thing!" though of course after a time I got to stewing about it. "Look! That little boy's an asshole!" Harrumph. Funny, though! I guess?

It was really the first time I've felt incredibly self-conscious about my condition, which is actually kind of surprising for how paranoid I am. Honestly 99.9% of the time I'm just so focused on getting from one place to another that I don't even think of it, but his comment was pretty stunning. From the mouths of babes!

This afternoon I'm seeing Ali and John's "Voodoo Doctor", a chiropractic practice that specializes in Network Spinal Analysis - I can't wait to see what my spine has to tell them! Tomorrow back to the pool for the first time in a week and a half - I am DEFINITELY missing it something fierce. And Friday we see if I can still dance with a cane! :)

That's why my philosophy keeps me walking when I'm falling down

2008-10-22T11:21:00.004-04:00

Well, I've been entirely crutchless now for nearly 5 days and, aside from a minor setback resulting from trying to maneuver a month's worth of laundry down the stairs, have been doing a-okay! Frankly the biggest problem right now is that my STUPID EMAIL is all screwed up, and I haven't been able to access it since Saturday night. Very annoying. Otherwise, though, I am VERY much looking forward to my trip to DC tomorrow, and am stocked with 2+ hour long movies (and Battlestar Galactica), back issues of Harpers and of course books for the journey. My dear friend Kevin has sent many musics my way of late (along with this FRICKING FANTASTIC Radiohead Sigg!), so I've been rocking Ben Folds nearly constantly, and keep singing "La LAAA la la la la la la Zak and Sara!" incessantly the past few days, much to the delight of those around me, I'm sure! Dean also hooked me up with a sweet theme song, Girls on Crutches from Hawksley Workman's Los Manlicious - I'd never heard him before and he's superrockin'!

I think the biggest lesson of the past 3 weeks (and, really, of being a patient in general) has been something along the lines of "Ask and ye shall receive" - and you know I'm not one to throw Bible quotes around lightly! But nearly all the assistance I've gotten (from starting pool therapy to getting a cane to weaseling free laundry out of Van Deren) has come from simply inquiring about it. I recently read this bit in Salon and it really resonated for me. I see so many woman posting on hip messageboards that are just floating along at the mercy of their doctors, going into surgery not even knowing how long they'll be hospitalized, whether they should do PT afterwards and what's "normal" to expect. Not I! I ask approximately 3 dozen questions at every visit, and even though I've been averaging a doctor's appointment per week for the past 6 months, I'm still voracious to know more and more and more. Modern medicine won't wrest control from my little hands! :) I often find myself thinking of

haha That's me!

I really appreciate folks' responses to my blog (a phrase that still makes me feel more than a bit dorky!) and, especially now that my emailing has been abruptly curtailed, hope they keep on coming! Tomorrow, TO THE CAPITAL!!! :)

Ambulatory Roshambeau

2008-10-20T12:06:00.002-04:00

So Cane clearly beats Crutches, though, hard as Cane tries, I'm pretty sure Stairs beats them both. Cane is pretty boss, though - it's nice to be able to maneuver around without having to worry about an extra foot of clearance on either side. At this point the only real hurdle (in addition to the fact that I'm right-handed and have to hold the cane in my right hand [and that it falls down every time I try to casually lean it on something]) is doors that open to the right, but I'm working on it. The past two days I've gone without the crutches entirely and haven't felt any ill affects, so long as I've kept my pace slow. The fact that I nearly topple over if I get going too fast is a helpful reminder. :) I even SHOPPED yesterday! First time I've done THAT in a while - motored around Marshalls for nearly an hour and was only mildly exhausted.

Tomorrow I see Janice, the nutritionist, about my pesky cholesterol problem. Cheese for every meal today! Friday I got my bloodwork back and it turns out I need to get my 3-shot Hep series and that my Vitamin D is low, so I'm taking a supplement for that. Otherwise, looking forward to getting more cane-able over the next couple of days so I can hopefully foolishly defy my PT's orders and go crutch-free to DC!

Harrumph.

2008-10-17T11:48:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm still on crutches and it seems will be supported by some manner of stick for some time to come. Yesterday I ordered myself a cane! (Akin to this guy - that's called a "derby handle", dontcha know! I didn't!) It's collapsible, which means I can keep it with me for whenever I need it, and can put it in my bag for my trip to DC next week. I asked Susan if I would be a fool to leave my crutches at home and she said yes. HARRUMPH!

While I can walk (slooowly) without pain, I'm so cautious about it that Susan said I was "an accident waiting to happen". "I can't say that to anyone but you!" she said. :) It's true, though, I'm so nervous I'm going to mess something up that I probably will! There's also something to be said for giving people around you some sort of visual cue to indicate you need a little extra room and maybe assistance. Wandering the jampacked streets (and public transit system!) of DC in my own tottering way just doesn't seem wise.

Susan also showed me an alternate crutching technique where instead of putting 2 crutches forward and stepping, you move the right crutch with your left leg and left crutch with your right leg. It takes some getting used to and uses different arm muscles, but it feels comfortable (if slow - did I mention I'm slow?!) and also works the muscles of my left leg that've been dormant for nearly 3 weeks now, the ones that make me feel like I'm doing a wobbly circle around my left hip everytime I try to put weight on it to move my right leg. Turns out that's my gluteus minimus struggling in vain to keep me stable and, while my pool excercises do some to help strengthen it, I just lose more control every day I'm off it. Susan also pointed out (which hadn't even occurred to me) that because the pool is pretty much non-weight-bearing, I'm losing bone mass with every passing crutchy day, which is exactly what I DON'T need going into surgery. *sigh*

So I'm going to keep crutching for medium distances and am excited (really? really.) to pick up my cane this afternoon and get working on it - should be ideal for the store tomorrow. Susan thought it'd be good to have 2 canes for times when I feel like I need it, so I'm also hoping to pick up a sweet wooden cane or two now that I know how long they should be. I have to keep reminding myself (and my mother, who for some reason has decided that skepticism is what I really need right now) that this is all NORMAL for dysplastics, and that I'm lucky I haven't been crutching for MONTHS now, or even in a wheelchair! It's impossible to predict how frequently I'll need some stick support, because it really depends on the day, but I'm getting it all lined up anyway. I can tell already it's going to be a pretty "indoors" winter for me this year!

Meanwhile, I went in front of the faculty meeting Tuesday on crutches, so now everybody's curious about it. I entertained the thought that I might put out a memo to everyone explaining the situation so I don't have to keep going over it everytime I walk - or "walk" :) - down the hall, but then I remember that that was my original impetus for getting this blog up, and I still say the same shit a dozen times a day! Oh, best laid plans. I need to work on adjusting my attitude to all these concerned inquiries, though, because people just can't seem to NOT ask and I've found myself starting to get a little curt about it. But people are SO eager to offer any help they can that I feel like a jerk getting annoyed about it. Oh, and to think I used to so love any attention I could get! heh heh

Yay!

2008-10-15T12:46:00.004-04:00

Today I walked all the way to the cafeteria and back, including stairs, without my crutches! Nothing popped, nothing snapped, and nothing pinched, really, though I was definitely taking great care to go easy on ol' leftie. More than anything it's my dreaded sciatic that's acting up, along with some referred pain in my knee. I'm looking forward to some ultrasound massage and blessed Kinesio tape tomorrow, then (hopefully!) back on my feet for real! It'll be nice not to spend 8 hours on Saturday sitting on a stool at the store feeling useless, that's for sure. A week from tomorrow I head to Our Nation's Capital - woohoo!

Live on two legs

2008-10-14T14:12:00.002-04:00

Or at least sometimes two! The past few days I've been doing short distances without my crutches, and life is pretty good! The twinges and soreness are of an entirely different sort, which to my ever-optimistic mind (ha!) is more evidence of how this setback has actually been pretty helpful. The pool yesterday was really great, and Thursday I'll see Susan to get the all-clear, though I doubt I'll give up the crutches entirely until next week.

The whole thing has slowed me down to the pace that I probably should have been walking at for the past year. For all the changes I've made to my life, I really hadn't curtailed my walking speed (or, to some extent, distance) much at all until now. I do like to STRIDE CONFIDENTLY through life! I may take Chris up on his cane offer if only to a)remind myself to take it easy and b)give people a visual cue indicating that I'm not just a naturally superslow walker. :)

I was at the Health Center for 2 hours last Friday for my physical, and kept thinking "Gah, medicine is so COMPLICATED!" Got my bloodwork back and learned I have high cholesterol and possible indications of a "fatty liver" - when I told my mom (whose 4 siblings also all have lower back and hip problems) she said "Oh, we all have that!" So apparently that's my inheritance from THAT side of the family. From my dad I guess I got... procrastination, puns, and alcohol tolerance? Mixed blessings all around! So I'm going back to the nutritionist to talk cholesterol and add another layer of paranoia - I mean understanding - to my mealtime repertoire. And I had more bloodwork done (I asked if they could use the same hole from Wednesday) for some stuff I don't even really remember. Thyroid and Vitamin D and something... we shall see.

But, more importantly...

6 months ago today...

2008-10-10T11:33:00.002-04:00

I was diagnosed with bilateral hip dysplasia. To say I was stunned would be an understatement. Dr. Crose gave me the short version of what I might expect, estimating I'd need dual hip replacements by the time I was 35-40, a mere 7 years away. Seeing my reaction, she said "Well, at least you don't have cancer!" which at the time seemed a bit cavalier. It's taken me months to understand how lucky I am to have something that's treatable, something I can DO something about and not just succumb to. There are definitely still woe-is-me moments where I lose sight of that, but not nearly so many as there were in the first weeks after my diagnosis. 2008 started out hard for me and just got harder, reaching the pinnacle exactly halfway through the year when my beloved Joon had to be put to sleep on July 15th. I just stopped functioning, something that was all too easy while on my summer schedule. But I had to keep going to the pool, and 2 days later I did just that, clearing my mind in a way I just couldn't on land. As often happens, one of the other ladies in the deep end struck up a conversation with me, and asked "Are you in pain?" I don't think my "Yes" could have possibly conveyed just how much - the question got me right in the gut.

In the past 6 months, I've completely changed the way I eat, sleep, and walk. I've spent 2 days a week in the pool for the past 4 months, lost 30 pounds and started taking fluoxetine (Prozac), something I never ever ever (ever) could have imagined for myself. My biggest buzzword has been PERSPECTIVE, and my life is radically different.

Yesterday I got a call from Annette, Dr. Kim's scheduler, that my original surgery date no longer worked for Dr. Kim. We rescheduled a week earlier, June 10th, 2009, 14 months from my diagnosis date and 8 months from today! You can't see it because this is the internet, but I'm making a triumphant air-punching motion just thinking about it - you know, like Prince Harry! :)

Dogs fear me

2008-10-09T11:59:00.004-04:00

Well, last night I met Miss Farrah Marie Powers, John and Ali's ADORABLE new Catahoula Leopard Dog! And... she hates me. :( Or at least hates me on crutches - fine and loving otherwise, but couldn't stop growling at me when I was on 'em. Pity, especially given how much time I spend up there... and how much time I'll be spending on crutches!

Notes to self:

2008-10-08T14:44:00.004-04:00

* Getting fasting bloodwork done when you need to take your meds with food is a bad idea.
* Getting any bloodwork done when you're on crutches is a very bad idea.
* Invent device that bleeps out every time John McCain says "my friends".

Sun is shining, the weather is sweet...

2008-10-07T10:20:00.007-04:00

Oh, another crutchy day! I'm getting much better with them, of course, and can navigate most scenarios with relative ease. Nearly tipped myself down the stairs this morning, but only because I wasn't thinking - when I'm paying attention it's really not that bad and I feel superspeedy, though realistically I'm still moving at a snail's pace and attracting pitying looks wherever I go. I need to come up with a better story than the truth of why I'm on them, which is pretty boring - spelunking accident? unicycle crash? legerdemain mishap? Hm...

I can't say enough about the pool, the pool, the pool, and how crucial it is in making my life liveable right now. Yesterday in lieu of 15 minutes each jogging and skiing with floats in the deep end I opted for 10 minutes each with THE BOOTS.

I figured I could use some strength-building in my left leg, which I've found I can put more and more weight on in the past couple days. I'm sore today, for sure, but it doesn't hurt, a distinction that may not make a whole lot of sense to folks who haven't dealt with a bum limb. I hesitate to say it, but I think the snapping pang that put me on crutches to begin with may have panged away the pain I've been experiencing for over a year now. Mostly what I have now is actually knee pain, which Susan thinks is just transferring from my hip. And I'm tired. All. The. Time. Last week I averaged 2-3 napping hours every day after school without even intending to.

Otherwise I'm doing pretty well, though this 600mg ibuprofen 4x a day is insanely dehydrating. I mean, I drink a lot of water normally, but I just can't keep up, and it's only getting drier around here these days - I'm definitely not going to be able to keep taking as much through the winter or my lips will chap right off.

I have a physical on Friday, my annual exam next Wednesday, and get reevaluated by Susan next Thursday. Somewhere in the next two days I also have to make it to the hospital for a bunch of blood work - it's a good thing my job is so flexible! I suspect Susan will let me off the crutches entirely, as even now I can make it short distances (mostly bed to bathroom or kitchen) with nearly full weight-bearing. Frankly, I'm scared to go back to walking on two legs because it seems like the more I do it now the less I'm going to be able to do it in the future. My old friend Sisyphus yet again! I mean, I really don't want to truck my crutches down to DC with me if I don't have to, but what if I suddenly need them? Chris has kindly offered me the cane from his unfortunate skiing accident last year, so I'll at least have that going for me.

*sigh* And somehow, after dropping weight consistently over the past 6 months, I've gained 7 pounds since being on crutches. It's so infuriating! I mean, I know it's likely muscle replacing fat, since I've definitely been eating less and working my arms a lot more than usual, but it's still disheartening. As my dear friend Novel would say, BAH-HUMMUS!

Oh and I got my "Preparing for Periacetabular Osteotomy" book from Children's Hospital yesterday - so exicting! Slash terrifying! :) On first read there were no major surprises (except that I can't leave the hospital til I poop, which is a little intimidating!) and it always feels good for my habitual organizer's mind to get some more ducks in a row. I also heard back from Erin, Dr. Kim's PA, about pain management and it seems folks have had a lot of success with acupuncture, of all things. I'm definitely interested in pursuing it, though of course now yet another Great Insurance Finagle (GIF!) begins. They sure don't make it easy!

I'm a bad crutcher.

2008-10-03T10:24:00.005-04:00

I took yesterday off, which was a phenomenal decision. I went to the pool in the morning and did my regular routine, albeit a bit slower, with some added arm stretching and just plain floating. Rebecca, my original pool PT (though I've been independent in the pool for some time now) noticed that I was struggling with my crutches and, when I got out, had one of the other ladies there give me a little tutorial and fit them better to my height. Yet again I felt a ripple of the dry-land versus aquatic therapy turf war - everything is politics! But I'm definitely glad they took the time to set me right - took the pressure off my ribs and (somewhat) off my shoulders and put it more into my forearms where it belongs. Today at school I made it all the way to the Main Office and back (a distance of approximately 17 miles)! It only took me... a very long time. :)

It seems pretty much impossible for people to not ask what happened - I'd put it at about 7%. As such, I've developed a series of one-liner responses, the easiest of which (that I'd resorted to by the end of the debate last night) is "I have to stay off my bum leg for awhile." Also pretty much the most honest answer I can give - I don't even know what it is that's paining me, really. People have been so so nice, though, offering any sort of help I might need, and for once I'm going to be taking it! My usual staunchly-independent "Oh no, I'm fine" is out the window!

Doing stuff around the house is a real challenge. For the first time I'm cursing the shotgun layout of my apartment, though I'm getting really good at thinking ahead (I've got plenty of time on my hands!) about what I need from where and how I can get it there. My bed has become the way station for everything, since I can toss things onto it from any room. Brilliant! The ladies of hipwomen were kind enough to suggest a walker (which hadn't even occurred to me), which you can hitch baskets and holsters and such to, for stuff around the house, especially meal preparation. I'm looking forward to a non-sandwich-based meal for a change. What I'd REALLY like (and what Van Deren also thought of, since we're both such great minds) is one of these!

Yesterday in the shower I involuntarily made what can be best described as a James Brown Sound (as in, "UNH, git back!") and giggled hysterically for a good 20 minutes. You have to laugh!

Dude, crutches suck.

2008-10-01T09:21:00.003-04:00

I mean, honestly, how the eff are you supposed to do this?! I've only been on the things since 3pm yesterday and already I have massive swollen bruises on my ribs and my arms are en fuego! I had to use two hands to turn my stinking key in the lock!

On the plus side, Susan Kinesio taped up my elbows and left shoulderblade, as apparently it helps with bruising as well - oh how I love the stuff! The shoulderblade is what's really giving me trouble right now, since it's pretty integral to the whole crutching business. That said, being off my left leg feels right, and I'm doing my damnedest to be non-weight-bearing, though it's quite a chore. I'm to be non-weight-bearing-to-tolerable for the next 2 weeks, then will see Susan again to reevaluate before I head to DC.

This is a fairly scary sneak peek of what next summer is going to be like - though then I'm not going to be able to cheat at all, which at this point seems impossible. I have no idea how I'm supposed to do things like laundry, cleaning the litterbox, making myself some damn food, etc. - you know, things that require HANDS! I think I need a fanny pack. :) Thankfully Tucker let me drag along with him to the grocery yesterday, and Chloe lent me a backpack to ferry my wares up the stairs (rhymetastic!). Otherwise I don't know what I would've done.

Harrumph. I'm pretty sure I'll be taking tomorrow off.

Ah crap.

2008-09-30T11:30:00.004-04:00

Well it seems the bad thing I did on Friday was probably a sprain or strain or tear or somesuch to my beleagured left thigh. It hurts. I saw my primary this morning and she upped my dose of ibuprofen to 600mg, told me to take acetaminophen on top of it and that I'd need to be non-weight-bearing for 4-6 weeks. She was about to give me crutches there, but then thought perhaps a cane would be more appropriate and said I should see my PT to be evaluated. Well, my PT's scheduling for the end of October right now, but thankfully, since she is awesome, she's working me in first thing tomorrow (or this afternoon if she has a cancellation) for a fitting and a little crutch-training. Thank you Susan!!!

Of course this means I'll likely be crutch-bound for my trip to DC (which my mom thinks I should cancel anyhow) AND for Halloween, which just sucks. I'm wondering if I should try to incorporate the crutches into my costume (in which case I need some suggestions!) or not even bother - in any event, it's going to put a crimp in my dancing plans at the Freakers Ball. CURSES!!!

I feel like there's a joke in here somewhere about me and the economy not having a leg to stand on. :)

I took a tumble.

2008-09-29T10:29:00.005-04:00

Yesterday at my folks' house I was bumbling around getting ready for my mama's 60th birthday brunch (which was awesome) and stepped back into the treadmill, falling with not a dang thing to catch myself on. I bounced my left shoulderblade and right elbow off the wall, smashed my left elbow on a stack of I don't even know what (the resulting multitonal bruise is quite impressive) and landed my aforementioned left butt right on the corner of the treadmill. I now have a purple 5-inch equilateral triangle on my bum. And on the side I was already limping on! Geez, I just can't catch a break. :)

My mom and I talked some about plans for my infirmity post-surgery and she made me a little nervous, talking about how hard it's going to be for her and my dad to get me into the house and wondering aloud if I might just go to a "halfway house" (or live with my 94-year-old grandmother, which I think was a joke?!) until I'm functional enough to go back to my apartment. *sigh* I mean, we have plenty of time to work things out, but I need to feel like my plans are stable enough that I can not worry about them, and instead focus on the actual mechanics of getting better. I asked if she'd been reading I am PAOed (she hasn't) to get a better idea of what to expect, saying "I don't think you understand what it's going to be like" and she said her classic "I hate to tell you, but... I think it's going to be very painful." I was like "Ah... yeah! They take a chunk out of my pelvis!" I don't know - for me sucking up as much information as possible is what helps me keep a level head (relatively!) about it all. I think for my mom (who won't even look at the diagram of what the surgery is) it just makes it all the more scary. Hopefully that will change over the course of the next 8 months - I can't be the only one who knows what's going on!

On an unrelated note, if you haven't heard it you should check out TV on the Radio's new album, Dear Science - I CANNOT stop listening to it! Totally. Awesome.

Ohhh I did something bad...

2008-09-26T12:57:00.003-04:00

Eddie Izzard has this bit about chiroprators ("they're different from osteopaths... because of the spelling") in which he talks about how they crack your bones and you go "Ahhh!" but sometimes you just go "Errr?!" - I had that today. One of the most common symptoms of dysplasia (and the first I ever manifested) is cracking/popping hips. Most of the time that cracking results in the best feeling of relief you can get, at least in the short-term, but today I definitely had an "Errr?!" moment. Something other than my regular popping popped and now my usual discomfort is gone, replaced with new pains in strange places (I believe the industry term is "my left butt") and the inability to put full weight on my left leg. Hopefully this is only temporary!

There's a lot doctors don't know about why dysplastics hurt the way they do. I asked Dr. Kim "So, what is it that hurts when I'm feeling this pain?" and he said "That's a good question! We really don't know." My PT was saying the popping is probably the iliotibial band (that runs down the side of your leg - see illustration) moving. From where to where... uh, I dunno. From somewhere bad to somewhere good? Maybe? All I know is my damn leg hurts, and I can't wait to get home to my icepack!

Oh, and I went to put on my precious precious beloved Earth shoes this morning and discovered that Augustus the Destroyer had chewed one of them apart! I swear he thinks he's a dog! I fear I will be pouting over these sandals for some time to come.

Papa

2008-09-25T13:21:00.003-04:00

My grandfather died ten years ago today, and my uncle sent out this fantastic photo of him, which brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my face.

Snake! Dragon! SWORD!

2008-09-23T09:05:00.004-04:00

What more could you ask for in a cane?!

John Powers is determined that my recovery will be a badass one. :)

Let's get physical!

2008-09-22T10:12:00.006-04:00

(Sadly these fantastic pants were only available in small!)

Last Thursday I didn't make it to the pool for various reasons (work, meetings, late night viewing of Speed Racer, etc.) and had a real rough time of it this weekend. I sat down after work and grocery shopping Saturday night and just couldn't bring myself to get up again. The thought occurred to me that maybe obsessively pushing myself in the pool twice a week, increasing reps and resistance might actually be making things worse. Today I'm going to scale back a bit, and focus more on stretching. I spent a lot of time cleaning my place yesterday and managed to jack myself up pretty good with the dastardly vacuum. It'll be nice to be warm and buoyant for awhile.

Here's my regular pool routine, for those of you who're interested. The order of exercises is flexible, depending on where most of the pool traffic is at the time - it takes me about 75-90 minutes altogether. I can't advocate aquatic therapy enough! Oh, and remember to "tighten the belly and tuck the butt" (my PT's mantra) in all scenarios. :)

* 10-15 minutes walking the width of the pool, including walking on heels and toes, as well as this knee-swingy manuever I can't quite describe
* 1-minute each stretches with leg parallel to the floor, floaty noodle under the heel
* 1-minute each stretches with leg bent and floaty noodle under foot behind you
* 90-second calf stretch, with heels hanging off the first stair
* 10-15 steps up with right leg leading, 10-15 with left leg leading
* 10-15 steps down with right leg leading, 10-15 with left
* 1-minute balance on one leg with arms folded across chest (bonus: try closing your eyes!)
* 10 squats standing on left leg, 10 standing on right, arms crossed
* 10 toe-raises standing on left leg, 10 standing on right, arms crossed
* 3 minutes sitting on a kick board in the deep end with a floaty belt on, arms crossed (this is MUCH harder than it sounds!)
* 2 minutes "toes dry" with float belt and float collar (kind of hard to picture - basically a crunch pose but easier on your back with the floatiness and all)
* 10-15 reps "toes dry" crunches, both legs at once
* 10-15 reps alternating single legs, "toes dry"
* 3 minutes on the chair with flippers, raising alternating legs from bent to straight
* 3 minutes on the chair with flippers, flippering with legs parallel to the ground
* 3 minutes on the chair opening and closing legs parallel to the ground with these wretched fan things that attach to your ankles and make a ton of resistance (sadly I cannot find a photo online)
* Usually last I put on the floaty belt and either ankle floats or the badass caterpillar boots (depending on how sore I am already!) and head to the deep end with my barbell floats for 15 minutes each of jogging and skiing. Three times (first, in between and last) I do a 1-minute jesus float (probably not the technical name) and 1 minute of swinging my legs back and forth with the floats still on the surface of the water. Both of these manuevers make my spine feel better than anything else I can do for it, and the swinging stretches my sides/top of the hip in a way I cannot duplicate on land. When I made my surgery decision I added the barbell floats to my jogging and skiing, trying to replicate the crutching motion under water while working against the floats' resistance. I'm happy to report I already have slightly-less-shameful biceps (see example below). heh heh

Oooh and Friday I found a pair of Danskos in my size for 22 DOLLARS at the consignment shop in town. Score!

PS I had a 45 of Olivia Newton John's classic when I was a child that I used to rock repeatedly on my Sesame Street record player. And does anyone else remember Get in Shape Girl? I wanted that one with the ribbon on a stick SO bad! My mom got me the one with ankle weights. BOOO!

My haunch hurts

2008-09-17T13:11:00.010-04:00

I'm trying to think of creative ways to describe the location of my discomfort (I also like "flank"), which today is centered around my right (yes, right, curses!) haunch. I think, though, that it's unused-muscles-getting-stronger pain and not joint-falling-apart pain - an important distinction I've come to understand all too well at this point in my life. "Haunch" is also helpful as a verb (which it isn't), as in "I was haunched over an ice pack all evening." Did I mention how much I love ice? I love ice. :) Earth Therapeutics Thera-Belt has also been helpful (though I got it for $9.99 thankyouverymuch!) but it doesn't hold the cold quite long enough for both sides of my beleagured midsection, so I sometimes just use it to hold an ice pack in place - it does the trick!

My shoulders owe a huge debt of gratitude to Jon Kemp and his time-tested hardcore massage technique. It hurts, but it makes an amazing difference - he worked a knot out in my left shoulderblade (which is apparently where my stress goes when I put it out of my mind) that I'm pretty sure's been there for nearly a year. I can really feel the difference when I'm in the pool, since so much of what I do focuses on balance. Boy's lucky he doesn't live nearby or I'd be requesting his services nonstop. Though I'd provide him a nice supplementary income!

In an effort to prepare for my months on crutches I've added arm-strengthening elements to my deep water exercises at the pool. I'm going to be jacked! Turns out dysplasia's a fine reason to renovate and remodel the ol' corpse - the prospect of no longer being able to walk is an effective motivator, believe you me! Um... but not like Madonna jacked, I don't think. And I'll have that one useless leg going on, so... Rats! It's a very odd Sisyphean sensation to be so consciously building up my strength so that I can be better prepared for a surgery that will take all of that strength away. Not to mention that I'm actually getting worse every day no matter what I do. Am I allowed to say "mindfuck" on the intarweb? :)

This post is dedicated to Mike Lowell, my favorite person with a torn labrum... besides myself.

Canes Galore!

2008-09-17T13:11:00.009-04:00

The competition for Best Cane Ever just heated up!

Thanks BJ! :)

hahahahaha SWEET!

2008-09-16T13:53:00.004-04:00

The Pathlighter Cane!

Thanks Adam! :)

9 months is a long-ass time...

2008-09-15T12:58:00.003-04:00

...longer, even, than I've known I have this condition. What the hell was I thinking I would DO for the next 9 months?! Geez. Saturday I worked my 8-hour shift at the store for the first time in 3 weeks (following Jim & Liz's wonderful wedding and the aforementioned Boston-based extravaganza) and for the first time thought "I don't know if I can do this." It'd been a tough week for both hips (I feel like I should come up with names for each of them) and, even in Earth shoes, 8 hours of nearly-uninterrupted standing is less than ideal. I got home and slept for 2 hours.

Given that I can see a light at the end of this (albeit lengthy) tunnel, I'm considering exploring my pain-relief options above-and-beyond ibuprofen. Apparently because the bursae (plurar of bursa, like bursitis) in your hip are so close to the surface they can treat them with topical cortisone instead of an injection. They caution against it, as I think I mentioned before, because of the degenerative nature of the condition. I'm hoping, though, that now that I'm on surgery countdown maybe I can get some short-term relief.

The question of medication has been weighing heavy on my mind of late. I've never even broken a bone before, so the prospect of being on high-caliber painkillers for upwards of 2-3 months is a little daunting. The only surgical experience I've had was having my wisdom teeth out, and the meds I got for that (Flintstones vitamins compared to what I'll be getting for this business) just slayed me - I was non-functional. It's going to be hard enough giving up my summer to crutches - I can't fathom losing it completely to a weepy drug-induced haze. I gather much of the pain regulation is going to be at my own discretion, though. I'm going to make myself a big "Pain is weakness leaving the body" sign. :)

^Fantastic product shout-out of the day^ - this thing has completely changed my sleeping life!

6 months ago this would have meant something so very different...

2008-09-12T15:13:00.005-04:00

I HAVE A DATE WITH A SURGEON!

Who: me & my man Dr. Kim
What: LPAO
When: Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
Where: Beth Israel Deaconness Medical Center in Boston
Why: to get drugs- I mean better

And now... the REAL panic sets in. :)